Hark! A Vampire

So I've been making these mash-ups, and thought I'd post what I have so far. They were done over time, so quality may... vary. No, sorry, nothing new if you've seen 'em before, but that may be rectified in the future. After a certain French test and concert that take place on the same day, for instance.
(ps, note how well the crazy person/Sir Hellsing mash-ups work I wonder why that is)

From this:we get this:A two-fer!Wherein we begin to learn what a nut Sir Hellsing is:The idea of Walter having to talk Sir Hellsing down from her crazy schemes amuses me:
Yes, Richard I WIN AT COMEDY:Commies? Nazis? Geddit?Sir Hellsing's mad reign of terror, 101:
Pretty much, yeah:
So yeah.
PROTIP: These are pretty much the canonical plot of Hellsing.
ps Teggy's a crazy woman

Vampire Review, Manga Edition: Hellsing: Legend of the Vampire Hunter

So tomorrow is Cait's birthday once again!

As a present, I'm reviewing Hellsing!

But not just any Hellsing. Oh no. No, this time, I'm reviewing Hellsing: Legend of the Vampire Hunter.

That's right, everybody, I'm reviewing the official Hellsing hentai!

And y'know what?

It's fucking hilarious.

Our story starts with Alucard surveying some crime scene or another. I'm going to point out now that this is not the Alucard we're used to. This Alucard is a guy so bland, he sews his name to the inside of his jacket.
(By the way: you can CLEARLY see that his name is ALucard. Not ARucard. Even in his earliest, lamest incarnation, he knew how to spell his own damn name.)

There's nothing sexy or seductive about him- honestly, he's just kind of bored with the whole thing. To bide his time, he chases down missing corpses and hangs around tattoo parlors.
The missing person is a Hellsing recruit this time, some chick by the name of Yuri Kate. Real subtle there, Hirano. Reeeeeeeal subtle. Anyways, because this is Hellsing and because this is porn, the savvy reader knows that something horrible is happening to her.

My god. It's worse than I feared. They've... um... Huh.

I was gonna make a plastic surgery joke, but it's a police girl with normal-sized boobs.

This isn't gonna last.

Now, normally, Police Girls do not back themselves up against a wall, choke themselves with one of their own hands, and shout Kyaaa! Normally, somebody must do this for them, which means that it's time to meet our other characters. Introducing Nameless and Helman!

Why anybody would name a porno villain after mayonnaise is beyond me.
Anyways, it's clear that Mayoman is a Jan Valentine prototype. The only things changed are the costume and the facial piercings, and even then the costume is pretty damn similar and he still has his earrings. Unfortunately for me, this means that Nameless is supposed to be a Luke prototype. While one of them is way hotter than the other (seriously, this guy looks like Herr Major and Sir Islands had a baby), they both have that same cocky attitude and sense of superiority. What happens next is a few pages of honestly substandard sex. There's no tentacles and really nothing interesting about it... except for the faces. My god, the faces.

Words. Cannot. Describe. Seriously, this doesn't look a thing like a human face. This is like, Perry the Dog Boy. Noses do not work that way!

Here's Nameless giving pretty much the same advice that the American mainstream gives women every goddamn day!



Did you really expect Jan Valentine's O-face to look any different?
There's this great scene afterwards of closed-mouth fellatio, where her mouth is literally completely closed but she's somehow still sucking, but I'm not posting that because I don't wanna post dick, there's no way to effectively censor it without covering up the hilarity, and her face is covered in MASSIVE amounts of joy juice that looks like mayonn

OH WAIT.
THAT'S WHY HIS NAME IS HELMAN.


There's this amazing Hellsing AMV set to "Jizz In My Pants" by The Lonely Island. Here's the link. Why do I mention this? Because I'm pretty sure that this is what is happening right now in this picture.
It's all fun and games until somebody gets shot with a twig.

No, really. The Jackal and Joshua have been replaced in this little one-shot by a shotgun that shoots wooden bullets. Alucard has finally arrived, and he's got something even goofier than the ghost piñata.

What I love the most is that the wooden bullets have shells. Are those made of wood, too? Anyways, Helman/Jan is down for the count, so Nameless takes a swing at Alu. That's not figurative. He literally tries to punch out Alucard.

This is why there's no way in hell he's Luke Valentine. Luke's ego is enormous, but he's not stupid. He went into that fight armed and trained. This stupid fucker tries to punch out Alucard. My god, he takes worse from his girlfriend on a daily basis. This guy's a moron and Alu knows it.
That's not a look of rage or hate or even minor irritation. That right there is pity. He pities the foo.
"Seriously. Did you ever fucking read Dracula? Come on. Everybody's read Dracula. You could at least, y'know, Tivo True Blood or some shit like that before you make the commitment to become a vampire. My god you suck."

But Nameless isn't going to die easily. Nope. He's gotta ask the question that everybody asks Alucard. (No, not the one about Carmen Sandiego.)

Normally, Alu makes a cryptic reference to Teggy's massive hotness I MEAN his enslavement by the Hellsing family. But here? Here he's got a totally different reason.


You heard it from Alucard himself. Basically, peace is number one. A total misunderstanding of the way vampirism works is number two.


After that little mess, it's time to attend to the rape victim.


"Oh, damn. Your blood was sucked and you're not a ghoul. Man, the boss hates it when I bring home stray vampires who are former employees. Oh? Oh, no, no, it's not uncommon at all. Nope. It was on uh, page three of the hiring contract. Right after the bit about fair use of the break room."

" Basically, your insurance disappears but you get a pretty good spike in your salary and free dental care. It's, uh, not a bad deal at all. You'll just... here, lemme find 'em."

Man. You really do get the feeling from this guy that he's not Hellsing's top hunter. He's more like a standard employee, just doing the bare minimum and being preoccupied with paperwork.

"So these are the interdepartmental transfer papers. They've already been signed off on, y'know, approved. Like I said, this happens a lot. Now..."

"Just get it in before the close of the business week, otherwise the boss gets pretty irritated and you end up with another week on your old paycheck. It's really not terrible. Like I said, it's a nice raise. And it's not that bad- don't worry... "
"Why not? Tastes just like tomato soup!"

And that's the end.

Sanity Check: Actually not that bad. Yeah, the sex scene was pretty ridiculous, but it wasn't anything terribly wild. Wasn't like a priest orgy or Hitler x Catgirl or anything like that.
Canonicity: At first glance, it's impossible, because there's no way that the character the series is named after can exist. Read Alucard's dialogue up there. Does that sound like a man who lives in the same universe as Integra Hellsing? I think not. We also have the tricky little problem of Helman and Nameless. Although I guess they could be relatives... Actually, hold up. There's no timestamp on this, and there's no technology or anything to give us an earliest possible date. The pierced ears on the guys are a pretty good indicator that it happens in the late sixties or later... This could be a feasible part of canon if it's set during Arthur's reign. Nameless and Helman are Luke and Jan's uncles or something- apparently, dumbassery runs in their family. It would also explain why there's a young, nubile, not-tough-as-nails human woman running around with Hellsing... and, if Star Trek is to be believed, why she's in a miniskirt.

So yeah. Let's count this as part of the Canon!Verse as proof that life under Arthur was boring.
Favorite Panel: Two of 'em. The first is this one, where Helman actually demonstrates a little bit of vampire lore:
Of all the panels in the stuff I've reviewed, this one and the one in Dok's Story are really the most reminiscent of Hellsing. Here's a screenie from the OVA to show you what I mean.


And then there's this. The whole story is set in an alleyway. Now, in an alleyway, you have graffiti. Here in the states, it's usually obscenities or phalli. Not true in England!


In England, you have gangsta water bottles.

Disney Princessification

I have nothing to say. Other than I've done the same thing for Young Integra and Alu-hound. Just not in PS yet.
Doing this to the other ladies would be considered high treason in Canon!verse, wouldn't it be?

Let's Play Castlevania! (Part I)

And now for something different! I'm gonna talk about Castlevania games!


First and foremost, I got SOTN to work! I'm gonna blow your minds and just tell you now: You send Dracula to hamburger time at the beginning of the damn game. That whole "What is a man?" scene? That's the first scene.

And then the game actually starts, and you're playing as Alucard.



No, not that one, sadly. This one.

His son. In Canon!verse, this is the one we call Failcard. But we've never really gotten to know him- we just make assumptions based on his alignment and cameos in other games. Shall we get to know the real Failcard?

Oh hell yes. Now, Failcard starts out fully dressed. Let's see some of the stuff he's wearing, hmm?

Item Description: Twilight Cloak
A black cloak for vampires

Item Description: Alucard Sword
Mother’s family heirloom

Ahh. THAT's why Failcard’s on the run. He’s stolen his mother’s sword.

According to the game, this is his mother:
As I've said before, she looks awfully familiar. But you only see her in flashback. Here, though, is what you do see!

The first real enemy you meet in the game is what Aria calls a Warg. It’s a giant wolf. Kinda pretty. It’s really cool to see that Aria uses the same design, because it’s a well-designed enemy. It's pretty!



The second enemy you fight... is also a wolf. After you’ve gone inside. There’s like, five or six wolves in the first hallway. Weird.

It kinda irritates me that you start the game wearing all your Mary Sue clothes. Srsly. You have the best sword, shield, amulet, cloak, armor, shoes, everything!

And then there’s a boss fight
And it’s fucking DEATH.
FIRST BOSS IN THE GAME
IS FUCKING DEATH.
AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Only... it’s not a fight. Much like in Portrait of Ruin, Death shows up just to be a prick. He calls Alucard a pussy and then steals his shit. And... wow. He actually changes color! As if all his good shit was no longer on him! Could equipping of items to the character ACTUALLY show up in gameplay? Oh I hope so!

Woah. What the fuck is this? The save room is NOT a glowing statue of the virgin Mary or a fountain... it’s a pulsing red-and-yellow D20. Since I don’t have a PS1 memory stick, I’m just gonna heal up here.... hoooooooly crap. Trippy. It explodes, breaks apart, and forms a coffin around you.



Oh hey, the relics- things in the game that are useful- show up as cubes here! Just like in PoR. Hmm, what’s this relic?

Cube of Zoe?

Who... who’s Zoe?

Spittle bone enemies actually spit saliva at you. In the later games, they spit fire. I think having them spit spittle makes more sense.



Ee! I just equipped a new cape and woaho, Whinycard’s wearing a cape! CLEARLY when we gave him an infatuation with dressing up, we were correct!

Uhoh. Door sealed. Music stopped. T... time for a boss fight.


Oh! It’s Slogra and Gaibon... and they fight together... and... um... where is that spear going?

Yeah, I can see where all that horrifying Rule 34 stuff comes from.

And I died, and since I don’t have a PS1 memory stick, game over! Time to play something new!

Castlevania: Curse of Darkness.

This release for PS2 met with a hell of a lot of panning- apparently, if it's not a Metroidvania style game, it sucks. But I wanted to try it for myself!

Here’s all I got from the opening narration:

- Our hero’s name is Trevor
Something about a plague?
As I said, the two PS2 CV games took a lot of flack for being shit. We’re about to discover the truth of that.

It starts with a person who I am thinking is Trevor running towards a castle, yelling for Isaac.

Isaac... ISAAC? Isaac as in the bastard love child of Rip Van Winkle and Charles Foster Offdensen?

What, you know I'm right.


But, alas, it is not the right Isaac. Instead, it’s a pretty, red-haired, kinda crazy, femmy vampire with a sarcastic, almost British-sounding affected voice who’s hitting on and threatening simultaneously this Hector.

He also has a... thing... for chains. And whips. And he doesn't seem to own a shirt. But anyways, who the hell is Hector? As it turns out, Hector, not Trevor is our hero. I’m already NOT caring about Hector or Trevor or any of ‘em. I’m caring about this Isaac character. He’s got a hawt voice... though, come to think of it Hector does, too. Actually, Hector sounds really familiar. Why does he sound so familiar? The cutscene ends, and then the game begins.

Already I can see where peoples’ control issues came from. The controls are SUPER-sensitive, which might get irritating. Hmm. Why do those grunts and shouts sound so familiar? Do you recognize this voice?

(It starts at 1:36ish)

That guy with the white hair is Hector. Aside from a cool voice, he's also got a chair fetish. No, really. Part of the game is finding all the different types of chairs to sit in. Odd.

Anyways, onto gameplay. The first enemy pops out of nowhere, which is kinda cool. I do like the 3d fighting system; if you get behind the enemy, he goes all transparent so you can see where you are. It’s a pretty quick fight, not too tough... and then the enemy drops a hamburger.
What the hell. It’s 1500 and the enemy drops a hamburger. “A meat patty squashed inside a bun to make it easier to eat. This one has a lot of tasty pickles.” It only gets stranger when you enter the first save room. You sit down in this big throne with wings on it. It’s pretty, but it’s also inhumanly strange. What I really like about it is that whenever you’re near a save room, a little indicator appears under your feet. You always know when you’re near one.

The wolf enemies in this game are neither giant nor threatening. They’re actually kind of adorable. They’re cute little wolf things named Fenrir.

Apparently, tombstones in this world look like coffee tables with floating pixies on ‘em. Hector then picks up evil demon summoning powers. Why? We don’t know. No apparent reason.

Ad then you get applauded by some bald Aussie-Britthing. His name’s Zead. He congratulates you and spews some bullshit about Isaac or somebody... I have a feeling he’ll be important later. Apparently, what you just did is called Devil Forging. It made something called “Innocent Devil Infant Fairy” appear. You then must name the Innocent Devil. The game suggests Raji. I go with Bill. Basically, Innocent Devils are untainted familiars created by devil forgemasters. This game clearly has no idea what devil actually means. Anyways, they’re your subweapons in this game. It took me a good ten minutes to figure that out- the game doesn’t explain it well at all.

Fairy-type innocent devils can open up treasure chests, restore HP, or heal status ailments. THey also look like Tinkerbell, if Tinkerbell was a naked Fallout Boy fan. Seriously, was there any need to put that much eyeliner on a fairy?

This game really likes its fairies. From the weird-ass fairy chairs in the save rooms to the fairy devils that follow you around (and sparkle!), this game loves the fae.

Hit this link to see what I mean about almost all of that stuff.

And goddamn! WHERE have I heard that voice?

So that my map would be complete, I decided to run outside of the castle for a while. I saw two things floating in the distance. Thinking they were enemies, I ran closer. Much to my surprise, one was a floating miniature Easter Island moai, and the other was a potion. So far, this game has turned up fairies, moai, and hamburgers. And then my eyes started hurting from video games, so I had to stop. But I was still curious. Where had I heard that voice before? That summoning... that shouting...

...
...
... Wait. Go back to when he said "I see" and that bit about serving.

Now listen to this.

Well. Damn.

I think I'm gonna like this game.

And, just so you didn't slog through all this for nothing, here's concept art for the game's infamous succubus enemy.


(I imagine under the cutoff, she's wearing sequined bats.)