First of all. Fuck you, Cait.
Second of all. There's gonna be a Castlevania movie!
And third of all. I MANAGED TO FIND AND WATCH THE LATEST HELLSING OVA.
And oh is it awesome. Now, the metalbook cover is devoted to Pip, and the regular cover has everybody's least-favorite Frenchkiller, Zorin Blitz, but, just from the start of this episode, it seems like it really isn't about either of them, because the first face we seen in this episode is Enrico Maxwell. And I am damn happy about it. When I first encountered Enrico, he was little more than a pompous, pretentious ass. Yeah, sure, he was a bad guy in the original anime, but he wasn't really evil. He also wasn't really there- he shows up in one episode, but really the bad guy is Alex. Now, stay with me here. I propose that Alex isn't actually a bad guy. He's not evil, he's following orders. He really doesn't have any say in the matter, and he never acts on his own. And, as you'll begin to see, he's sympathetic. Maxwell, on the other hand, is evil, evil, evil. He stopped caring about Mama Church a long time ago; no, he's in this for power. He even says something about being the Pope someday. (Side note: Cait, didn't you once say something similar?) Now, I want to see power corrupt absolutely, and I am given this in Bishop Maxwell in this episode. It starts out with us meeting Kid Maxwell and seeing his first meeting with Father Alex. Naturally, Kid Maxie got compared to Kidtegra; actually, this sort of correlates to the beginning of the second manga volume where she meets her monster for the first time. They kinda have some things in common. Both are orphans, both are destined for greatness, both are about twelve years old at the time, and both are commonly shipped with their childhood guardians. However, Tegs, when she met Alu, instinctively shot him like six times or something, setting the tone for their relationship there on out. She was genuinely scared of what he was, even if she sounded more angry than anything else. But Kid Maxie is a bitter little fucker.
His meeting with Fr. A. is a very interesting scene. It's juxtaposed with images of happy children running and playing. If you know anything about this guy's backstory, then you know how, ahem, well he gets along with the others.
We then cut to a body under a newspaper. Seems Maxwell was reading something at the time. The headlines show how bad it was...
And nope. He wasn't reading. He was asleep under that paper.
Yes, he's well aware of what's going on, and he just doesn't care. This is similar to a scene again from the second manga, where Tegs is reading the paper and thinking about what Alucard looks like in bondage gear. Don't worry, Tegs. I'm not judging. Not at all. However, while she's reading and daydreaming, she's also watching training happening. Maybe she's down there to hand-pick soldiers, or maybe she actually cares about what Alucard and Seras are doing. It's obvious that she cares about something happening in the training facilities, otherwise she'd be reading the paper in her office. Maxwell, however, would rather take a nap than pay attention to the Catholic Clux Clan. It's here that, if it wasn't entirely obvious in the last two OVAs, we begin to realize something. This isn't an attack on Protestantism. This isn't defense against the Nazis. This is something else entirely, something a hell of a lot more sinister. This... this is a crusade. And he is just fine with that. After all, he started it.
We see an overview of all the armies he has at his command, and the armor designs are interesting, to say the least. What are they trying to say about the Catholics here?
His armies then bow down to him, and it's kinda creepy.
And then... he laughs. It's not the self-satisfied little chuckle Alu elicits out of Integra sometimes, and it's not the maniacal laugh of Alu or Alex. It's something else. Something much, much scarier. And it visibly upsets the rest of his organization. This isn't the femmie little bishop they've come to know and love!
This thing is SCARY. The Catholic Clux Clan loads up into helicopters, the choppers take off, and there's a very disturbed altar boy...
AND THEN HE'S ON A BOAT. HE'S ON A BOAT. EVERYBODY LOOK AT ALU 'COS HE'S SAILING ON A BOAT.
And stating explicitly who he is returning for. Hint. It ain't Alex. This is the last we're supposed to see of him in this volume, but he shows up later in a Seras thought scene. Nifty. We then cut to the Nazis, where we see that the Crazy Nazi du jour is Zorin Blitz.
Let it be said that, as much as I dislike Zorin, I adore her Japanese voice actress. However, Zorin really bothers me because she flat-out uses magic. Rip has magic bullets, yes, but she doesn't do the same wonky shit that Zorin does... and boom, I'm distracted. Please note that bite-sized-Tegra is just as awesome as full-sized Tegra.
You can't tell me this isn't symbolic.
Oh, Integra. Only you could possibly demand that the person who just had a gun at the back of your head give you a light for your cigar. And it says a lot about Alex's character development that he is not only intending on sparing her, but that he's going to walk her home, too. And make his entire contingency walk her home. I think he's beginning to realize that maybe, just maybe, Hellsing isn't the real enemy after all. I can't wait for the English sub or dub to come out; I bet the chibi dialogue is hilarious. While the Catholics freak out, Tegs remains rather nonplussed throughout the whole thing. Sometime, I'm going to overanalyze her transformation throughout the series in the whole man-dog-monster format and explain how she's practically a monster herself. But that's for another day; for now, enjoy a cigar.
More Nazis after this; it appears that Zorin is to the luftwaffe what Rip was to the navy. However, while she plans on... attacking... the totally devoid of strategically-important British politicians Hellsing house... OH WHAT THE FUCK. SERAS. SERIOUSLY. THAT GUN IS THE SIZE OF A VOLKSWAGEN.
Ladies and gentlemen, we've found something in this series bigger than Seras's chest! It's her new gun!
Anyways, my point is why on earth is Millennium so deadset on destroying Teggy's house? I mean... it's empty except for Pip, the Wild Geese and Seras. No sir anythings. I mean, yeah, there's Seras, but wouldn't it have made more sense for Zorin to try and bait her out with that stupid illusion bullshit? Pip, by the way, isn't worried. He's very laid-back and practically enjoying himself. There's a scene that I'm sure is meant to be touching, where there's soft piano music and Pip speaking in reassuring tones to Seras as scenes of carnage flash around them. However, since I don't speak Japanese that well, I pretty much just looked at the pretty pictures and felt bad for Seras, who, by the way, is awesome. I really couldn't stand Seras in the first couple of OVAs, but she's really coming into her own. Sure, she hasn't had anything but a taste of the human blood yet. But... it's almost as if she doesn't need it. There is a beautiful fight scene where we see that Seras's aim has gotten a lot better since the first OVA. Remember how nuts she went when the ghouls invaded the house? That was puppies compared to this. This Seras has Pip worried. There's some crazy Nazis and some really cool scenes of Seras pwning the zeppelin... and then comes the attack of the Nazi Zombies.
Only Teg's yard is seeded with ALL the landmines. Seriously. ALL the landmines.
And we even get to see the bullets' perspective when they rip apart the Nazis. While Seras is a bit upset about Teggy's pretty lawn getting destroyed, Pip has this to say. "Bingo." Who says the French are useless pacifists?
Look at 'im. Just havin' a smoke and reassuring one of his men while there are explosions everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. At times, it looks as if Michael Bay directed this OVA. You can see the explosions everywhere because Tegs has cameras in every part of her house.
Yeah.
Every part of her house.
Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
And then Zorin uses her goddamn eye magic.
This was my least-favorite part of the manga, the whole giant thing, but despite how much I don't like it, it's beautifully done here. Naturally, everybody kinda flips the hell out because Zo is kind of attacking the mansion with a giant magical scythe. She kind of looks like me the time I took my old printer out to the back parking lot and beat it to death with hammers. Really, though, I think it would have been a better strategic move for Millennium to send Zorin to face Alu alone while giving the sharpshooter the mansion to cover. It would have lead to a quicker death for Zorin, more screen time for Rip Van, and none of that... unpleasantry. (Because, really, I think Alu has some standards.) The Wild Geese, even though they're dying, aren't cowards here. But... this is where it starts getting sad. Zorin, that utter bitch, starts picking on Ser-Bear. Fortunately, Seras isn't gonna put up with Zo's shit any longer. Because the Geese aren't dying. They're completely fine. Turns out that Zo's an accomplished illusionist, but, as Alu's kiddo, Seras can see right through that. She fires off a few shots with her GIANT GUN, and manages to hit Blitz, who's... well, on the other side of the property. (Tegs has SO MUCH LAND.) This ends the illusion, and the Geese snap out of it. Pip's still a little fucked up, but ....
OH MY GOD. SWEET HOLY FUCK SERAS.
Yes. She shot his head off right after this. Gone is the cowardly little police girl. This one's out for blood here. The Nazis get across the yard by making stepping stones out of their knives, and they attack the mansion. At first, the geese don't have too much trouble, but it soon becomes apparent that this is a losing battle. Enter Pip and his amazing motivational speech. God, I wish I spoke better Japanese.
And then one of the Geese slaps Seras's ass... but she takes it ok.
Sort of. After all, she's their Mignonette, which French for "the only woman in the house it's ok to sexually harass". But Pip still doesn't get his kiss. (God, I wish I didn't know what happens next.) The men don't seem too tense or nervous or anything. They're mercenaries. They were born to do this, Pip quite literally as his father and grandfather were both hired guns. Meanwhile, London burns.
I feel that OA Integra would appreciate this scene. Even though, y'know, there's dead and dying people everywhere.
...HEY.
WAIT.
ISN'T THIS THE MANGA VOLUME WHERE THE ONE NAZI SOLDIER WAS EATING A BABY?
Well, while I'm watching for that, we cut back to where the badayamn Nazis have overrun the place... and it... cuts into chibi... WAIT WHAT?
IT'S OVER?
IT'S FUCKING OVER?
WHAT IN HELL?
WHERE'S BLOOD!SERAS?
WHERE IS THE NAZI GHOUL EATING A BABY?
WHERE IS THE NAZI GHOUL EATING A BABY?
WHERE IS THE NAZI GHOUL EATING A BABY?
WHY IS IT OVER?
WHY IS IT OVER? SO NOT HAPPY.
However, the credits are awesome.
They do the Eskimo scene! And then there's this kinda cute thing with the Nazis where they have a soldier pinata... hard to describe, but it's funny. And includes the line "Heil, Gotcha!" We also get to see some nice artwork of various Geese... but then we find out it's a picture Zorin's looking at, with Seras circled and labeled as the main target. And then... then we see a bit of the aftermath, when Seras finds the dead Geese. She ain't happy. She really ain't happy. All in all, it was a bit short, clocking in at 42 minutes as compared to IV's 54 minutes. There's been rumors that from here on out, each manga volume is going to get its own OVA, and I'm pretty sure I'm ok with that. I think they'll combine nine and ten, though, mostly because so much of that is just fighting scenes. (I think Hirano dedicates at least one full page to one single explosion.) I can say, though, that I'm really looking forward to the next one. The one where Alu gets off the boat. Because that part has more happy insinuations in it than any other bit of the entire thing... except the very end. CANON, bitches! All in all, a good solid title. The music leaves a lot to be desired, but it's forgivable. Still can't compare to IV. But then again, what can?
MAYBE IT COULD HAVE COMPARED IF IT INCLUDED THE NAZI VAMPIRES EATING BABIES.
Oh, who am I kidding? It couldn't have.
Second of all. There's gonna be a Castlevania movie!
And third of all. I MANAGED TO FIND AND WATCH THE LATEST HELLSING OVA.
And oh is it awesome. Now, the metalbook cover is devoted to Pip, and the regular cover has everybody's least-favorite Frenchkiller, Zorin Blitz, but, just from the start of this episode, it seems like it really isn't about either of them, because the first face we seen in this episode is Enrico Maxwell. And I am damn happy about it. When I first encountered Enrico, he was little more than a pompous, pretentious ass. Yeah, sure, he was a bad guy in the original anime, but he wasn't really evil. He also wasn't really there- he shows up in one episode, but really the bad guy is Alex. Now, stay with me here. I propose that Alex isn't actually a bad guy. He's not evil, he's following orders. He really doesn't have any say in the matter, and he never acts on his own. And, as you'll begin to see, he's sympathetic. Maxwell, on the other hand, is evil, evil, evil. He stopped caring about Mama Church a long time ago; no, he's in this for power. He even says something about being the Pope someday. (Side note: Cait, didn't you once say something similar?) Now, I want to see power corrupt absolutely, and I am given this in Bishop Maxwell in this episode. It starts out with us meeting Kid Maxwell and seeing his first meeting with Father Alex. Naturally, Kid Maxie got compared to Kidtegra; actually, this sort of correlates to the beginning of the second manga volume where she meets her monster for the first time. They kinda have some things in common. Both are orphans, both are destined for greatness, both are about twelve years old at the time, and both are commonly shipped with their childhood guardians. However, Tegs, when she met Alu, instinctively shot him like six times or something, setting the tone for their relationship there on out. She was genuinely scared of what he was, even if she sounded more angry than anything else. But Kid Maxie is a bitter little fucker.
His meeting with Fr. A. is a very interesting scene. It's juxtaposed with images of happy children running and playing. If you know anything about this guy's backstory, then you know how, ahem, well he gets along with the others.
We then cut to a body under a newspaper. Seems Maxwell was reading something at the time. The headlines show how bad it was...
And nope. He wasn't reading. He was asleep under that paper.
Yes, he's well aware of what's going on, and he just doesn't care. This is similar to a scene again from the second manga, where Tegs is reading the paper and thinking about what Alucard looks like in bondage gear. Don't worry, Tegs. I'm not judging. Not at all. However, while she's reading and daydreaming, she's also watching training happening. Maybe she's down there to hand-pick soldiers, or maybe she actually cares about what Alucard and Seras are doing. It's obvious that she cares about something happening in the training facilities, otherwise she'd be reading the paper in her office. Maxwell, however, would rather take a nap than pay attention to the Catholic Clux Clan. It's here that, if it wasn't entirely obvious in the last two OVAs, we begin to realize something. This isn't an attack on Protestantism. This isn't defense against the Nazis. This is something else entirely, something a hell of a lot more sinister. This... this is a crusade. And he is just fine with that. After all, he started it.
We see an overview of all the armies he has at his command, and the armor designs are interesting, to say the least. What are they trying to say about the Catholics here?
His armies then bow down to him, and it's kinda creepy.
And then... he laughs. It's not the self-satisfied little chuckle Alu elicits out of Integra sometimes, and it's not the maniacal laugh of Alu or Alex. It's something else. Something much, much scarier. And it visibly upsets the rest of his organization. This isn't the femmie little bishop they've come to know and love!
This thing is SCARY. The Catholic Clux Clan loads up into helicopters, the choppers take off, and there's a very disturbed altar boy...
AND THEN HE'S ON A BOAT. HE'S ON A BOAT. EVERYBODY LOOK AT ALU 'COS HE'S SAILING ON A BOAT.
And stating explicitly who he is returning for. Hint. It ain't Alex. This is the last we're supposed to see of him in this volume, but he shows up later in a Seras thought scene. Nifty. We then cut to the Nazis, where we see that the Crazy Nazi du jour is Zorin Blitz.
Let it be said that, as much as I dislike Zorin, I adore her Japanese voice actress. However, Zorin really bothers me because she flat-out uses magic. Rip has magic bullets, yes, but she doesn't do the same wonky shit that Zorin does... and boom, I'm distracted. Please note that bite-sized-Tegra is just as awesome as full-sized Tegra.
You can't tell me this isn't symbolic.
Oh, Integra. Only you could possibly demand that the person who just had a gun at the back of your head give you a light for your cigar. And it says a lot about Alex's character development that he is not only intending on sparing her, but that he's going to walk her home, too. And make his entire contingency walk her home. I think he's beginning to realize that maybe, just maybe, Hellsing isn't the real enemy after all. I can't wait for the English sub or dub to come out; I bet the chibi dialogue is hilarious. While the Catholics freak out, Tegs remains rather nonplussed throughout the whole thing. Sometime, I'm going to overanalyze her transformation throughout the series in the whole man-dog-monster format and explain how she's practically a monster herself. But that's for another day; for now, enjoy a cigar.
More Nazis after this; it appears that Zorin is to the luftwaffe what Rip was to the navy. However, while she plans on... attacking... the totally devoid of strategically-important British politicians Hellsing house... OH WHAT THE FUCK. SERAS. SERIOUSLY. THAT GUN IS THE SIZE OF A VOLKSWAGEN.
Ladies and gentlemen, we've found something in this series bigger than Seras's chest! It's her new gun!
Anyways, my point is why on earth is Millennium so deadset on destroying Teggy's house? I mean... it's empty except for Pip, the Wild Geese and Seras. No sir anythings. I mean, yeah, there's Seras, but wouldn't it have made more sense for Zorin to try and bait her out with that stupid illusion bullshit? Pip, by the way, isn't worried. He's very laid-back and practically enjoying himself. There's a scene that I'm sure is meant to be touching, where there's soft piano music and Pip speaking in reassuring tones to Seras as scenes of carnage flash around them. However, since I don't speak Japanese that well, I pretty much just looked at the pretty pictures and felt bad for Seras, who, by the way, is awesome. I really couldn't stand Seras in the first couple of OVAs, but she's really coming into her own. Sure, she hasn't had anything but a taste of the human blood yet. But... it's almost as if she doesn't need it. There is a beautiful fight scene where we see that Seras's aim has gotten a lot better since the first OVA. Remember how nuts she went when the ghouls invaded the house? That was puppies compared to this. This Seras has Pip worried. There's some crazy Nazis and some really cool scenes of Seras pwning the zeppelin... and then comes the attack of the Nazi Zombies.
Only Teg's yard is seeded with ALL the landmines. Seriously. ALL the landmines.
And we even get to see the bullets' perspective when they rip apart the Nazis. While Seras is a bit upset about Teggy's pretty lawn getting destroyed, Pip has this to say. "Bingo." Who says the French are useless pacifists?
Look at 'im. Just havin' a smoke and reassuring one of his men while there are explosions everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. At times, it looks as if Michael Bay directed this OVA. You can see the explosions everywhere because Tegs has cameras in every part of her house.
Yeah.
Every part of her house.
Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
And then Zorin uses her goddamn eye magic.
This was my least-favorite part of the manga, the whole giant thing, but despite how much I don't like it, it's beautifully done here. Naturally, everybody kinda flips the hell out because Zo is kind of attacking the mansion with a giant magical scythe. She kind of looks like me the time I took my old printer out to the back parking lot and beat it to death with hammers. Really, though, I think it would have been a better strategic move for Millennium to send Zorin to face Alu alone while giving the sharpshooter the mansion to cover. It would have lead to a quicker death for Zorin, more screen time for Rip Van, and none of that... unpleasantry. (Because, really, I think Alu has some standards.) The Wild Geese, even though they're dying, aren't cowards here. But... this is where it starts getting sad. Zorin, that utter bitch, starts picking on Ser-Bear. Fortunately, Seras isn't gonna put up with Zo's shit any longer. Because the Geese aren't dying. They're completely fine. Turns out that Zo's an accomplished illusionist, but, as Alu's kiddo, Seras can see right through that. She fires off a few shots with her GIANT GUN, and manages to hit Blitz, who's... well, on the other side of the property. (Tegs has SO MUCH LAND.) This ends the illusion, and the Geese snap out of it. Pip's still a little fucked up, but ....
OH MY GOD. SWEET HOLY FUCK SERAS.
Yes. She shot his head off right after this. Gone is the cowardly little police girl. This one's out for blood here. The Nazis get across the yard by making stepping stones out of their knives, and they attack the mansion. At first, the geese don't have too much trouble, but it soon becomes apparent that this is a losing battle. Enter Pip and his amazing motivational speech. God, I wish I spoke better Japanese.
And then one of the Geese slaps Seras's ass... but she takes it ok.
Sort of. After all, she's their Mignonette, which French for "the only woman in the house it's ok to sexually harass". But Pip still doesn't get his kiss. (God, I wish I didn't know what happens next.) The men don't seem too tense or nervous or anything. They're mercenaries. They were born to do this, Pip quite literally as his father and grandfather were both hired guns. Meanwhile, London burns.
I feel that OA Integra would appreciate this scene. Even though, y'know, there's dead and dying people everywhere.
...HEY.
WAIT.
ISN'T THIS THE MANGA VOLUME WHERE THE ONE NAZI SOLDIER WAS EATING A BABY?
Well, while I'm watching for that, we cut back to where the badayamn Nazis have overrun the place... and it... cuts into chibi... WAIT WHAT?
IT'S OVER?
IT'S FUCKING OVER?
WHAT IN HELL?
WHERE'S BLOOD!SERAS?
WHERE IS THE NAZI GHOUL EATING A BABY?
WHERE IS THE NAZI GHOUL EATING A BABY?
WHERE IS THE NAZI GHOUL EATING A BABY?
WHY IS IT OVER?
WHY IS IT OVER? SO NOT HAPPY.
However, the credits are awesome.
They do the Eskimo scene! And then there's this kinda cute thing with the Nazis where they have a soldier pinata... hard to describe, but it's funny. And includes the line "Heil, Gotcha!" We also get to see some nice artwork of various Geese... but then we find out it's a picture Zorin's looking at, with Seras circled and labeled as the main target. And then... then we see a bit of the aftermath, when Seras finds the dead Geese. She ain't happy. She really ain't happy. All in all, it was a bit short, clocking in at 42 minutes as compared to IV's 54 minutes. There's been rumors that from here on out, each manga volume is going to get its own OVA, and I'm pretty sure I'm ok with that. I think they'll combine nine and ten, though, mostly because so much of that is just fighting scenes. (I think Hirano dedicates at least one full page to one single explosion.) I can say, though, that I'm really looking forward to the next one. The one where Alu gets off the boat. Because that part has more happy insinuations in it than any other bit of the entire thing... except the very end. CANON, bitches! All in all, a good solid title. The music leaves a lot to be desired, but it's forgivable. Still can't compare to IV. But then again, what can?
MAYBE IT COULD HAVE COMPARED IF IT INCLUDED THE NAZI VAMPIRES EATING BABIES.
Oh, who am I kidding? It couldn't have.
