So tomorrow is Cait's birthday once again!
As a present, I'm reviewing Hellsing!
But not just any Hellsing. Oh no. No, this time, I'm reviewing Hellsing: Legend of the Vampire Hunter.
That's right, everybody, I'm reviewing the official Hellsing hentai!
And y'know what?
It's fucking hilarious.
Our story starts with Alucard surveying some crime scene or another. I'm going to point out now that this is not the Alucard we're used to. This Alucard is a guy so bland, he sews his name to the inside of his jacket.
(By the way: you can CLEARLY see that his name is ALucard. Not ARucard. Even in his earliest, lamest incarnation, he knew how to spell his own damn name.)
There's nothing sexy or seductive about him- honestly, he's just kind of bored with the whole thing. To bide his time, he chases down missing corpses and hangs around tattoo parlors.
The missing person is a Hellsing recruit this time, some chick by the name of Yuri Kate. Real subtle there, Hirano. Reeeeeeeal subtle. Anyways, because this is Hellsing and because this is porn, the savvy reader knows that something horrible is happening to her.
My god. It's worse than I feared. They've... um... Huh.
I was gonna make a plastic surgery joke, but it's a police girl with normal-sized boobs.
This isn't gonna last.
Now, normally, Police Girls do not back themselves up against a wall, choke themselves with one of their own hands, and shout Kyaaa! Normally, somebody must do this for them, which means that it's time to meet our other characters. Introducing Nameless and Helman!
Why anybody would name a porno villain after mayonnaise is beyond me.
Anyways, it's clear that Mayoman is a Jan Valentine prototype. The only things changed are the costume and the facial piercings, and even then the costume is pretty damn similar and he still has his earrings. Unfortunately for me, this means that Nameless is supposed to be a Luke prototype. While one of them is way hotter than the other (seriously, this guy looks like Herr Major and Sir Islands had a baby), they both have that same cocky attitude and sense of superiority. What happens next is a few pages of honestly substandard sex. There's no tentacles and really nothing interesting about it... except for the faces. My god, the faces.
Words. Cannot. Describe. Seriously, this doesn't look a thing like a human face. This is like, Perry the Dog Boy. Noses do not work that way!
Here's Nameless giving pretty much the same advice that the American mainstream gives women every goddamn day!
Did you really expect Jan Valentine's O-face to look any different?
There's this great scene afterwards of closed-mouth fellatio, where her mouth is literally completely closed but she's somehow still sucking, but I'm not posting that because I don't wanna post dick, there's no way to effectively censor it without covering up the hilarity, and her face is covered in MASSIVE amounts of joy juice that looks like mayonn
OH WAIT.
THAT'S WHY HIS NAME IS HELMAN.
There's this amazing Hellsing AMV set to "Jizz In My Pants" by The Lonely Island. Here's the link. Why do I mention this? Because I'm pretty sure that this is what is happening right now in this picture.
It's all fun and games until somebody gets shot with a twig.
No, really. The Jackal and Joshua have been replaced in this little one-shot by a shotgun that shoots wooden bullets. Alucard has finally arrived, and he's got something even goofier than the ghost piñata.
What I love the most is that the wooden bullets have shells. Are those made of wood, too? Anyways, Helman/Jan is down for the count, so Nameless takes a swing at Alu. That's not figurative. He literally tries to punch out Alucard.
This is why there's no way in hell he's Luke Valentine. Luke's ego is enormous, but he's not stupid. He went into that fight armed and trained. This stupid fucker tries to punch out Alucard. My god, he takes worse from his girlfriend on a daily basis. This guy's a moron and Alu knows it.
That's not a look of rage or hate or even minor irritation. That right there is pity. He pities the foo.
"Seriously. Did you ever fucking read Dracula? Come on. Everybody's read Dracula. You could at least, y'know, Tivo True Blood or some shit like that before you make the commitment to become a vampire. My god you suck."
But Nameless isn't going to die easily. Nope. He's gotta ask the question that everybody asks Alucard. (No, not the one about Carmen Sandiego.)
Normally, Alu makes a cryptic reference to Teggy's massive hotness I MEAN his enslavement by the Hellsing family. But here? Here he's got a totally different reason.
You heard it from Alucard himself. Basically, peace is number one. A total misunderstanding of the way vampirism works is number two.
After that little mess, it's time to attend to the rape victim.
"Oh, damn. Your blood was sucked and you're not a ghoul. Man, the boss hates it when I bring home stray vampires who are former employees. Oh? Oh, no, no, it's not uncommon at all. Nope. It was on uh, page three of the hiring contract. Right after the bit about fair use of the break room."
" Basically, your insurance disappears but you get a pretty good spike in your salary and free dental care. It's, uh, not a bad deal at all. You'll just... here, lemme find 'em."
Man. You really do get the feeling from this guy that he's not Hellsing's top hunter. He's more like a standard employee, just doing the bare minimum and being preoccupied with paperwork.
"So these are the interdepartmental transfer papers. They've already been signed off on, y'know, approved. Like I said, this happens a lot. Now..."
"Just get it in before the close of the business week, otherwise the boss gets pretty irritated and you end up with another week on your old paycheck. It's really not terrible. Like I said, it's a nice raise. And it's not that bad- don't worry... "
"Why not? Tastes just like tomato soup!"
And that's the end.
Sanity Check: Actually not that bad. Yeah, the sex scene was pretty ridiculous, but it wasn't anything terribly wild. Wasn't like a priest orgy or Hitler x Catgirl or anything like that.
Canonicity: At first glance, it's impossible, because there's no way that the character the series is named after can exist. Read Alucard's dialogue up there. Does that sound like a man who lives in the same universe as Integra Hellsing? I think not. We also have the tricky little problem of Helman and Nameless. Although I guess they could be relatives... Actually, hold up. There's no timestamp on this, and there's no technology or anything to give us an earliest possible date. The pierced ears on the guys are a pretty good indicator that it happens in the late sixties or later... This could be a feasible part of canon if it's set during Arthur's reign. Nameless and Helman are Luke and Jan's uncles or something- apparently, dumbassery runs in their family. It would also explain why there's a young, nubile, not-tough-as-nails human woman running around with Hellsing... and, if Star Trek is to be believed, why she's in a miniskirt.
So yeah. Let's count this as part of the Canon!Verse as proof that life under Arthur was boring.
Favorite Panel: Two of 'em. The first is this one, where Helman actually demonstrates a little bit of vampire lore:
Of all the panels in the stuff I've reviewed, this one and the one in Dok's Story are really the most reminiscent of Hellsing. Here's a screenie from the OVA to show you what I mean.
And then there's this. The whole story is set in an alleyway. Now, in an alleyway, you have graffiti. Here in the states, it's usually obscenities or phalli. Not true in England!
In England, you have gangsta water bottles.
As a present, I'm reviewing Hellsing!
But not just any Hellsing. Oh no. No, this time, I'm reviewing Hellsing: Legend of the Vampire Hunter.
That's right, everybody, I'm reviewing the official Hellsing hentai!
And y'know what?
It's fucking hilarious.
Our story starts with Alucard surveying some crime scene or another. I'm going to point out now that this is not the Alucard we're used to. This Alucard is a guy so bland, he sews his name to the inside of his jacket.
(By the way: you can CLEARLY see that his name is ALucard. Not ARucard. Even in his earliest, lamest incarnation, he knew how to spell his own damn name.)There's nothing sexy or seductive about him- honestly, he's just kind of bored with the whole thing. To bide his time, he chases down missing corpses and hangs around tattoo parlors.
The missing person is a Hellsing recruit this time, some chick by the name of Yuri Kate. Real subtle there, Hirano. Reeeeeeeal subtle. Anyways, because this is Hellsing and because this is porn, the savvy reader knows that something horrible is happening to her.
My god. It's worse than I feared. They've... um... Huh.I was gonna make a plastic surgery joke, but it's a police girl with normal-sized boobs.
This isn't gonna last.
Now, normally, Police Girls do not back themselves up against a wall, choke themselves with one of their own hands, and shout Kyaaa! Normally, somebody must do this for them, which means that it's time to meet our other characters. Introducing Nameless and Helman!
Why anybody would name a porno villain after mayonnaise is beyond me.
Anyways, it's clear that Mayoman is a Jan Valentine prototype. The only things changed are the costume and the facial piercings, and even then the costume is pretty damn similar and he still has his earrings. Unfortunately for me, this means that Nameless is supposed to be a Luke prototype. While one of them is way hotter than the other (seriously, this guy looks like Herr Major and Sir Islands had a baby), they both have that same cocky attitude and sense of superiority. What happens next is a few pages of honestly substandard sex. There's no tentacles and really nothing interesting about it... except for the faces. My god, the faces.
Words. Cannot. Describe. Seriously, this doesn't look a thing like a human face. This is like, Perry the Dog Boy. Noses do not work that way!Here's Nameless giving pretty much the same advice that the American mainstream gives women every goddamn day!
Did you really expect Jan Valentine's O-face to look any different?There's this great scene afterwards of closed-mouth fellatio, where her mouth is literally completely closed but she's somehow still sucking, but I'm not posting that because I don't wanna post dick, there's no way to effectively censor it without covering up the hilarity, and her face is covered in MASSIVE amounts of joy juice that looks like mayonn
OH WAIT.
THAT'S WHY HIS NAME IS HELMAN.
There's this amazing Hellsing AMV set to "Jizz In My Pants" by The Lonely Island. Here's the link. Why do I mention this? Because I'm pretty sure that this is what is happening right now in this picture.
It's all fun and games until somebody gets shot with a twig.
No, really. The Jackal and Joshua have been replaced in this little one-shot by a shotgun that shoots wooden bullets. Alucard has finally arrived, and he's got something even goofier than the ghost piñata.
What I love the most is that the wooden bullets have shells. Are those made of wood, too? Anyways, Helman/Jan is down for the count, so Nameless takes a swing at Alu. That's not figurative. He literally tries to punch out Alucard.
This is why there's no way in hell he's Luke Valentine. Luke's ego is enormous, but he's not stupid. He went into that fight armed and trained. This stupid fucker tries to punch out Alucard. My god, he takes worse from his girlfriend on a daily basis. This guy's a moron and Alu knows it.
That's not a look of rage or hate or even minor irritation. That right there is pity. He pities the foo.
"Seriously. Did you ever fucking read Dracula? Come on. Everybody's read Dracula. You could at least, y'know, Tivo True Blood or some shit like that before you make the commitment to become a vampire. My god you suck."But Nameless isn't going to die easily. Nope. He's gotta ask the question that everybody asks Alucard. (No, not the one about Carmen Sandiego.)
Normally, Alu makes a cryptic reference to Teggy's massive hotness I MEAN his enslavement by the Hellsing family. But here? Here he's got a totally different reason.
You heard it from Alucard himself. Basically, peace is number one. A total misunderstanding of the way vampirism works is number two.After that little mess, it's time to attend to the rape victim.
"Oh, damn. Your blood was sucked and you're not a ghoul. Man, the boss hates it when I bring home stray vampires who are former employees. Oh? Oh, no, no, it's not uncommon at all. Nope. It was on uh, page three of the hiring contract. Right after the bit about fair use of the break room."
" Basically, your insurance disappears but you get a pretty good spike in your salary and free dental care. It's, uh, not a bad deal at all. You'll just... here, lemme find 'em."Man. You really do get the feeling from this guy that he's not Hellsing's top hunter. He's more like a standard employee, just doing the bare minimum and being preoccupied with paperwork.
"So these are the interdepartmental transfer papers. They've already been signed off on, y'know, approved. Like I said, this happens a lot. Now..."
"Just get it in before the close of the business week, otherwise the boss gets pretty irritated and you end up with another week on your old paycheck. It's really not terrible. Like I said, it's a nice raise. And it's not that bad- don't worry... "
"Why not? Tastes just like tomato soup!"And that's the end.
Sanity Check: Actually not that bad. Yeah, the sex scene was pretty ridiculous, but it wasn't anything terribly wild. Wasn't like a priest orgy or Hitler x Catgirl or anything like that.
Canonicity: At first glance, it's impossible, because there's no way that the character the series is named after can exist. Read Alucard's dialogue up there. Does that sound like a man who lives in the same universe as Integra Hellsing? I think not. We also have the tricky little problem of Helman and Nameless. Although I guess they could be relatives... Actually, hold up. There's no timestamp on this, and there's no technology or anything to give us an earliest possible date. The pierced ears on the guys are a pretty good indicator that it happens in the late sixties or later... This could be a feasible part of canon if it's set during Arthur's reign. Nameless and Helman are Luke and Jan's uncles or something- apparently, dumbassery runs in their family. It would also explain why there's a young, nubile, not-tough-as-nails human woman running around with Hellsing... and, if Star Trek is to be believed, why she's in a miniskirt.
So yeah. Let's count this as part of the Canon!Verse as proof that life under Arthur was boring.
Favorite Panel: Two of 'em. The first is this one, where Helman actually demonstrates a little bit of vampire lore:
Of all the panels in the stuff I've reviewed, this one and the one in Dok's Story are really the most reminiscent of Hellsing. Here's a screenie from the OVA to show you what I mean.
And then there's this. The whole story is set in an alleyway. Now, in an alleyway, you have graffiti. Here in the states, it's usually obscenities or phalli. Not true in England!
In England, you have gangsta water bottles.
