Ramne

So Cait has this gay ram called Rene.

I love that French whore so damn hard.

Rene and Rene say yay for gay and hay gurl hay!

GDI

Sometimes this blog ANNOYS ME with its setup.

Quite

Belgium is indeed made of awesome.

This is unsurprising, really, as they're almost French.

Christ, I Love Belgium

Yup.

The most GODDESSDAMNED AWESOME THING EVER

aka 'some people have fantasy feet-ball teams, Police Girl has fantasy military hardware'

'Kay. So. Most awesome thing ever:

So take one of the six Soviet Project 941 Акула-class (NATO TYPHOON) SSBNs. Probably one of the three that were scrapped in reality by the Russian Federation (let us pause a moment here to wail and gnash teeth). Now, the Russkies, living in their post-Communist... utopia... of the '90s, are stripped for cash, as usual. So they decide to sell our dear friend, the missile boat.
Now a word on the Project 941. Like many other Soviet submarines, she is really better designed than a U.S. Navy boat- three times the reserve buoyancy of an Ohio-class (SSBN 726) [the comparable generation U.S.N. missile boat], better streamlining [*cough*sail*cough], and, quite frankly, a far more innovative design. All of these are common threads in U.S. versus Soviet submarines.
U.S. equipment, however, was generally fairly to far better than their Soviet equivalents. In particular, the Soviet RSM-52/R-39R (NATO SS-N-20 STURGEON) SLBM was far inferior in every way to the U.S. Trident D-5 SLBM, not least because the Soviets arrived late to the solid-fueled SLBM party. In any event, the Trident D-5 is more accurate, longer ranged, carries a larger total-yield payload (MIRV of 8 W-88 of 475-kT yield versus a MIRV of 10 100-kT Soviet warheads), and is smaller in all dimensions, to boot.
Now, with that in mind, let's go back to '90s-era Russia hating the AWESOME and all over a little revenue crunch. They sell their Project 941, naturally enough, to the French Navy. Yeah. Yeah.

Provided with the boat are a full loadout of twenty-two USET-80 533 mm torpedoes, of the wire-guided 20-kT nuclear warhead flavor, and maybe some nuclear-armed VA-111 шквал supercavitating rockets, to boot.
Now, by whatever means (I dunno, agreeing to re-join the unified NATO command structure a decade early, or something) they acquire 20 Trident D-5s, complete with full W-88 MIRV loadout [hey hey HEY, France is TOTALY AWESOME enough to get their hands on top-secret U.S. technology].
Wanna guess what they do with the Tridents? Here's a hint, in the form of the dimensions of the Trident D-5 and the R-39R:
Trident D-5: Length, 13.4 m; Diameter, 2.1 m.
R-39R: Length, 16 m; Diameter, 2.4 m.
The missile tubes on the Project 941 are large enough to accommodate the R-39R. Go back and read those dimensions again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, but I haven't gotten to the best part yet. The French Navy christens her the Verdun.

If you'll excuse me, gentle reader, my brain is melting from the awesome. Although you probably can't excuse me, as yours is too.

[ps this is an awesome book]

OVA VII Trailer

Totally, uh, just now put that game down. And I'm not even halfway done yet.

Anyways.

I interrupt my video gaming to bring you this important announcement.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSFOq12I2bQ

This is MADE of awesome. Like... this might actually make me like Seras. And my second-favorite brownshirt's back!

Castlefuckingvania

So I now own every GBA Castlevania game, including my favorite, Aria of Sorrows. Now, I'm in the middle of playing, so I'll share pics and observations and things later, but I must tell you all something.

I'm currently fighting an enemy whose main weapon is his tongue.

He's a lizard.

With a tongue weapon.

I love this game.

Also, somebody's getting good at picture editing, Cait!

Ladies and Gentlemen

Meet Major Simone Zaytseva, Tarrinist Internal Investigations:


She says hi. And to work for our common victory, lest she fucking shoot you.

Vampire Review, Manga Edition: Angel Dust

I was all excited to read this one because apparently in it, Young Father Anderson is a drug dealer.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to die.

I couldn't figure out the plot of this thing at all.

What I DID figure out was far, far worse. Unlike Doc's Story, you can't figure out what's going on unless you read Japanese really well. Otherwise... it's just page after page of random sex. Horrible, godawful, painful sex.

Let's just meet the characters now. There's a lot of them, and they're uh... interesting.

So our hero is this poor fucker, Young Father Anderson.

He comes home from the grocery store to find his friend Young Yumie in a compromising position. I am not showing you that picture for your own good.

Now, Young Yumie is in a compromising position with this guy.

Don't recognize him?How about now?

Minor characters in this part of the story include Rapist No Eyes...

And the Two Goons.

Wait.
Wait.
In the back there... is that?... nah. That can't be.

So ...Bishop Maxwell... has his way with Yumie, along with a bunch of other guys. But instead of flipping out and killing them ALL, she kind of cries and has flashbacks. Fr. Anderson gets pissed, he takes off, they go to a safe house, and...

HEINKEL WILL END YOU BOTH DON'T DO IT MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE oh god Father Anderson has sex with Yumie. The rape victim. Who seduces him after having a rape flashback.

We then go on to the volume that actually made me cry. Why? Well. We'll see in a bit. The scans I downloaded had been colored by the person who had them before me, so I can't really say what color everything is supposed to be. We do get to see the start of Hirano's fixation with writing on crosses, though.

In this chapter, we meet a thoroughly uninteresting short-haired blonde nun who doesn't have sex with anybody and a whole shitton of random characters.

.
.
.
No.
Not him.
Anybody but him. Or Tegs or Rip.

Kill me now.

So here we have wimpy-lookin' Protocard talking to... where in hell did this child come from? Why the hell is there a child in this manga?

Is that child Young Capcap and if so I think I know why he does not ever speak. It should be noted that our 'main' character pretty much doesn't show up any more, and in fact, all semblance of a plot has gone, because Protocard meets...

That was the cleanest picture there is of this person. And yes. It IS a female Pip. Guess why she's all excited. Hint. That was the part where I started crying.

So these two get done, then on the next page, Protocard is discovered to SURPRISE SURFUCKINGPRISE be a priest. EVERYBODY in this book is clergy. EVEN FEMALE PIP. It seems that she died during the night because he's being very sad next to a tombstone.

And then they go to Rio.

It tells you how much of a nerd I am that I recognized that hotel desk, but it's the same damn desk. Seriously. They just fixed it up a bit in Hellsing proper.

Yeah. It's ok... kid who really looks like uninteresting blonde nun who doesn't have sex but I'm not opening up that damn file again to take more pictures. It's ok. You just got Riocard'd, that's all. To close out the manga, we have a shot of this guy in the last panel. And I'll be damned if he didn't remind me of Walter. Old Walter.

I hate my life.

In Conclusion
Sanity Check: AUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Canonicity: DEAR GOD PLEASE NO
Favorite Panel: Not a panel in particular, but a series of panels. After a few shots of food coloring, I happened to notice something. Remember that goon from the first volume? Well, he came back.

His name is Easy.

Sir Easy Islands.
Huh.

Fffffff, I was supposed to do Coyote after this, but I don't think I can handle it. Tune in next time for my review of Hellsing: Legend of the Vampire Hunter! Mercifully, there's no Catholics in it!

Vampire Review, Manga Edition: Doc's Story

Normally, I don't seek out pornographic manga.

That being said, I've decided that for the next few blog posts, we're going to review the beginnings of Hellsing.

The good news: They're easy to get ahold of.

The bad news: They all have naked people in them.

The first little gem we're going to look at is a short piece called, simply, "Doc's Story." This snipped of insight gives us two backstories: Dok's and Schro's. The manga features three characters, and they're all pretty easy to keep track of. The only character whose naughty bits we don't see is this guy.


It's pretty easy to tell just by looking at him that he could evolve into a Hellsing character. This is
Doc, an SS scientist who evolves into Dok. He's uh... our protagonist? Yeah, we'll go with that. He's our protagonist. He's a lot younger here than he is in Hellsing, but you can see where he's going in a few years. He definitely ages a lot more than Rip does, but then again, he's not a vampire.


I think you can really definitely see that he's eventually going to turn into Dok here. You can also see that at some point in his life, he wore a full shirt.

The other character we meet in the beginning is Hitler. Yes. That Hitler. Hirano... Hirano's one messed up dude, that's all I can say.


Curiously enough, in the last chapter of the Hellsing manga, there's a picture of Tegs with a similar expression and skulls and things in the background. However, hers is clearly a pirate-themed background. I have no idea why.

The final character is an unnamed catgirl demoness summoned by Doc from Hell, and Hitler, who asked Doc to get him laid. Yes, you heard me, the whole point of this story is that a horny Hitler wants Doc to summon a catgirl so that he can have sex. And... yeah, I just kinda told you everything that happens in the manga right there. Most of it is devoted to the catgirl and her various states of undress and ravishment.


She... uh... look like anybody to you?

No. Not Seras. Her eyes are up there, pal. I find it interesting that Hirano's glove fetish extends to demons but not Hitler.

So, pretty much right after her appearance, she has sex with Hitler, Dok yells at Hitler, and the manga is over. That's, uh, it. Yeah. The catgirl doesn't go back to hell, so according to pretty much the established rules of demon summoning, she's there for Dok and Adolf's er... bidding.

Yeah, you can tell I'm dancing around the elephant in the room, can't you.

Yeah.

We kinda get to see Schro's conception.

Schrodinger is Hitler's son.

It's not a happy thought.

In Conclusion:
Sanity Check: Not as bad as Akira, which is the established low point for the sanity check (seriously, I had to cover Cthulhu's eyes at the end) but it lost a lot of points for making me see Hitler's junk.
Canonicity: It fits the established, no-side-media canon pretty well. I can see the skinny guy evolving into the Dok we know and love, and, well... Mama Schrodinger does have a lot of facial resemblance to my second-favorite prepubescent brownshirt.
Favorite Panel: This one.
It shows pretty much how much better at art Hirano's going to get. Also, it reminds me of the Luke/Alu fight. Eated by a doggy.