DO NOT BE FOOLED. NEW FACTS HAVE COME TO LIGHT.
To writ:
The Hellsing anime is really an animated version of the Book of Revelations!
It's true. This established scientific fact stunned the world yesterday when it was revealed, leading Satanists everywhere to search for Carmen Sandiago costumes, and Vatican officials, who began examining the anime for theological insights shortly after the story broke, to declare in a somewhat garbled public statement that it "would be totally awesome to make Iscariot happen" and that "go Alex! go Alex! fuck yeah, go Alex!" Vatican spokespersons could not be reached for follow-up questions.
Without further ado, then, we present to you the true identities of characters known to us for almost two thousand years only as shroom-garbled drug trip monsters, and now revealed by the power of SCIENCE.
Incognito (above, left), the true identity of the Revelations shroom-trip monster "Jesus" (above, right)The revelation that popular black activist Incognito is in fact "Jesus", antagonist of the Book of Revelations, has provoked a public outcry among many. "I used to tell my children.. well, that is, the slow, blond one in the dress over there at least, that there was no Jesus outside his window trying to get him, because Jesus was a made-up character", said one mother, "Now how am I supposed to tell him that he should be worried if there's a large black man outside his window?" Revelations was published in bestselling horror story, cheese aficionado's manifesto, and snuff porn collection Bible, introducing the character of "Jesus" to millions. Experts worry that stories like the above could be repeated across the nation, turning seemingly innocent fandom of Bible into something sinister for millions of frightened children.
Experts are expressing bafflement that they did not see the similarities between Mr. Incognito and "Jesus" before now. While some have defended themselves, noting that being an undead masochist, just like a character, does not prove that said character is based on one, but some pundits are calling for an investigation.
Mr. Incognito could not be reached for an interview.
"Say, you want some drugs? It's reeeaalllyyyy good stuff," the mother we interviewed concluded hysterically. Really good stuff indeed, ma'am... really good stuff indeed.
Sir Integra Hellsing (above, left), the true identity of "Antichrist" (above, right), Revelations' protagonist
Walter Dornez (above, left), the true identity of "Lucifer" (above, right)
Experts are expressing bafflement that they did not see the similarities between Mr. Incognito and "Jesus" before now. While some have defended themselves, noting that being an undead masochist, just like a character, does not prove that said character is based on one, but some pundits are calling for an investigation.
Mr. Incognito could not be reached for an interview.
"Say, you want some drugs? It's reeeaalllyyyy good stuff," the mother we interviewed concluded hysterically. Really good stuff indeed, ma'am... really good stuff indeed.
Sir Integra Hellsing (above, left), the true identity of "Antichrist" (above, right), Revelations' protagonist
The same experts who are admitting that they should have realized the Incognito-"Jesus" connection are positively kicking themselves tonight as they come to terms with failing to realize that the character "Antichrist", the hero of Revelations, is in fact a caricatured portrait of Sir Integra Wingates Fairbrooks Hellsing, Esq, noted LSD taster and aficionado of crack cocaine. Sir Hellsing seems to be modestly avoiding the sudden adulteration of millions of fans of her character, and when this reporter tried to get an interview, her office claimed that she'd already given one. How like the Antichrist we loved hearing about in our childhoods, modest to a fault, yet unwilling to be so rude as to outright deny an interview.
Some literary scholars have advanced an alternate theory, noting that being identified with a character one called "saccharinely two-dimensional, seeming to only exist to oppose the evil schemes of "Jesus"" must be very embarrassing for Sir Hellsing. One French gentleman familiar with the matter poo-pooed the idea, however, stating that "Sir Hellsing smokes too much weed to be embarrassed about anything but the walls melting." As this gentlemen proceeded to launch into a triade about being absorbed by mother ocean, and in general seemed a very silly person, we left him without taking further note of what he had to say.
Alucard Hellsing (above, left), the true identity of "Beast" (above, right), right-hand man of "Antichrist"
Some literary scholars have advanced an alternate theory, noting that being identified with a character one called "saccharinely two-dimensional, seeming to only exist to oppose the evil schemes of "Jesus"" must be very embarrassing for Sir Hellsing. One French gentleman familiar with the matter poo-pooed the idea, however, stating that "Sir Hellsing smokes too much weed to be embarrassed about anything but the walls melting." As this gentlemen proceeded to launch into a triade about being absorbed by mother ocean, and in general seemed a very silly person, we left him without taking further note of what he had to say.
Alucard Hellsing (above, left), the true identity of "Beast" (above, right), right-hand man of "Antichrist"
It was only by chance that this reporter was able to interview reclusive Alucard Hellsing, Bitch of Sir Integra Hellsing, who was last seen by the public in last century's traditional seaside You-Mine-Now-Bitch ceremony with Sir Hellsing. As it happened, this reporter happened upon Mr. Hellsing, bound with ribbon in a sunny field, as he left the interview with the distraught mother related above. "Mmmm-mmmm-mm-MMMM-mm!" said Mr. Hellsing through a garlic ball gag. "MmMM-MM-mmmmm-mmmmm," he continued, "mm... mm-mmmm-MmmmMM." When asked about the tens-of-millions-strong society of groupies, who, in the wake of recent revelations, are now demanding ' the number of the Beast', this reporter could almost swear he could make out Mr. Hellsing moaning "don't tell her she'll kill me", but must admit he was really too busy smelling the five ton crate of roses that had just arrived to be paying much attention.
"Mmm m, mmmmm... MMMMM," Mr. Hellsing concluded at the end of our interview. Mmm m mmmmm indeed.
Dr. Police Girl, aka Seras Victoria (above, left), the true identity of "Beast of the Sea" (above, right)
"Mmm m, mmmmm... MMMMM," Mr. Hellsing concluded at the end of our interview. Mmm m mmmmm indeed.
Dr. Police Girl, aka Seras Victoria (above, left), the true identity of "Beast of the Sea" (above, right)
Herr Doktor Police Girl, a noted hor almost as commonly known under the stage name Seras Victoria, has been hailed today by immigrant-rights groups for her inspiration of the character "Beast of the Sea". "Beast of the Sea" was a groundbreaking character when Revelations was first published, as an unprecidented positive portrayal of an immigrant character. Despite the stereotypes common in the fiction of the time, "Beast of the Sea" was portrayed heroically fighting against antagonist "Jesus", and charging fair rates for her special services. She made the somewhat muffled statement "la rar" over the phone, but as the very silly French person we were trying to avoid seemed to be following us as we walked to her house to try to procure a longer interview, we were forced to duck into a nearly owl house. Fortunately, the French person continued on the way we had been going, and we subsequently escaped the owls with only three dead and sixty-seven severely wounded.
Sir Arthur Hellsing (above, left), the true identity of "Hor of Babylon" (above, left)
Sir Arthur Hellsing (above, left), the true identity of "Hor of Babylon" (above, left)
That Sir Arthur Hellsing, father of Sir Integra Hellsing, was the inspiration of beloved children's character "Hor of Babylon" comes as no surprise to many. Indeed, he has been blacklisted by the Guild of Hors for his freelancing ways, and has reportedly survived two attacks by crack hor hit squads in the past year alone. "Oh yes, Dad's a hor... small 'h', mind... that he is..." declared the distraught mother we'd interviewed previously over video link, before viciously stabbing a whimpering crate of roses with a holy water-dipped silver sword. Why we reached her, instead of Sir Integra Hellsing, remains a mystery.
"Hor of Babylon", parent of "Antichrist", the protagonist, is a cult character among sci-fi fans, who delight in writing fan fiction explaining how the Hor left our Last, Best Hope for Peace to appear in Revelations. No official explanation has been published, as contracted attempts at prequels by Messrs. Mohammad and Smith have both fallen through, although both authors are known to have written unofficial fan fiction.
Sir Arthur Hellsing could not be reached, as he has gone on vacation with a minimalist staff of fifteen leggy blondes. None of this staff were able to answer the telephone when we called.
"Hor of Babylon", parent of "Antichrist", the protagonist, is a cult character among sci-fi fans, who delight in writing fan fiction explaining how the Hor left our Last, Best Hope for Peace to appear in Revelations. No official explanation has been published, as contracted attempts at prequels by Messrs. Mohammad and Smith have both fallen through, although both authors are known to have written unofficial fan fiction.
Sir Arthur Hellsing could not be reached, as he has gone on vacation with a minimalist staff of fifteen leggy blondes. None of this staff were able to answer the telephone when we called.
Walter Dornez (above, left), the true identity of "Lucifer" (above, right)
Walter Dornez, part-time Angel of Death, hobbyist butler, and noted connoisseur of apples, was revealed to be the person behind the character "Lucifer". Lucifer is the mentor of protagonist "Antichrist", and in the story is himself a former freedom fighter against the dictatorship of "Jesus", the story's antagonist. Mr. Dornez consented to an interview, but would not stop talking about a nightmare he'd recently had that involved Nazis (for those of you who don't remember the '60s, these were candies that were sadly banned for containing dangerous concentrations of Yellow #5, and amounts of crack cocaine that some inconclusive studies suggested were a potential health risk). As he was relating the part of the dream where he becomes a pile of bones forced to be a butler for eternity, we quietly slipped out of the room.
Stand-up Theologian Cheddar (above, left), the true identity of "Michael" (above, right)
Enrico Maxwell (above, left), the true identity of "Woman Clothed in the Sun" (above, right)
Stand-up Theologian Cheddar (above, left), the true identity of "Michael" (above, right)That the world-famous stand-up theologian known to the public only as "Cheddar" is the true identity of such a serious character as Revelations' "Michael" is being taken by many as a occasion for dismay. "Cheddar came up with all the best gags," said one distraught fan, "the trinity, the transubstantiation skit, that running gag of sticking omni- in front of everything; it was all great. He can't go serious, there's too much great material left in him!"
Michael's status as a 'serious' character is enhanced by his dark nature: a Quisling general in the "Jesus" dictatorship, Michael is the nemesis of former rebel leader "Lucifer" in the story. Who can honestly say that reading about their climatic battle, and Lucifer's final words "if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful then you can possibly imagine", during their childhood did not inspire tears? This reporter, for one, cannot.
Michael's status as a 'serious' character is enhanced by his dark nature: a Quisling general in the "Jesus" dictatorship, Michael is the nemesis of former rebel leader "Lucifer" in the story. Who can honestly say that reading about their climatic battle, and Lucifer's final words "if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful then you can possibly imagine", during their childhood did not inspire tears? This reporter, for one, cannot.
Enrico Maxwell (above, left), the true identity of "Woman Clothed in the Sun" (above, right)
The revelation that noted gay porn star Enrico Maxwell is the inspiration behind the Revelations character "Woman Clothed in the Sun" comes as a surprise, least of all, to him. "I'm always the one in the dress for transvestite films with Alex," he said "although I've never worn superheated thermonuclear plasma before."
"Yet," he added, with a mischievous smile and wink.
Alexander Anderson (above, left), the true identity of "War" (above, right)
"Yet," he added, with a mischievous smile and wink.
Alexander Anderson (above, left), the true identity of "War" (above, right)
Mr. Maxwell's oftentime co-star and husband Alexander Anderson expressed surprise today at the violent identity with which he has been identified. "Actually, Maxie's the one who's always playin' with the knives," he said. "If ye know what I mean."
"War" is one of the four evil "Ponies" serving "Jesus" in Revelation, and in the story carves out a wide path of destruction before being stopped by "Antichrist".
Luke Valentine (above, left), the true identity of "Pestilence" (above, right)
"War" is one of the four evil "Ponies" serving "Jesus" in Revelation, and in the story carves out a wide path of destruction before being stopped by "Antichrist".
Luke Valentine (above, left), the true identity of "Pestilence" (above, right)
Luke Valentine, co-proprietor of the extremely upscale restaurant Demonic Vampiric Bitches, was quick to note that his identification with "Pestilence", one of the four evil "Ponies" serving "Jesus" in Revelations, does not reflect his personality in real life. "I in no way endorse Jesus, or anything he stands for," Mr. Valentine declared, adding that he "can assure the House of Lords that DVB is fully up to government health standards". Only members of Lords and foreign nobility of comparable rank are allowed into DVB, which enjoys a brisk business from its restricted clientele.
Unfortunately, our interview, which we were conducting at a less discriminating nearby diner, was interrupted by the arrival of our food. Mr. Valentine expressed shock when blue fruit loops were placed in front of him, noting that he is deathly allergic to that dish. Running out of the door, he then unfortunately noticed a tiny nearby English Toy Spaniel puppy. Mr. Valentine thereupon gave a earsplitting and frankly quite girlish shriek, and ran from the animal with a speed that this reporter could only believe having seen it himself.
Our Hilarious Deaths division later reported that Mr. Valentine had in fact been eated by the three pound doggy. Our laughter goes out to his family.
Jan Valentine (above, left), the true identity of "Famine" (above, right)
Unfortunately, our interview, which we were conducting at a less discriminating nearby diner, was interrupted by the arrival of our food. Mr. Valentine expressed shock when blue fruit loops were placed in front of him, noting that he is deathly allergic to that dish. Running out of the door, he then unfortunately noticed a tiny nearby English Toy Spaniel puppy. Mr. Valentine thereupon gave a earsplitting and frankly quite girlish shriek, and ran from the animal with a speed that this reporter could only believe having seen it himself.
Our Hilarious Deaths division later reported that Mr. Valentine had in fact been eated by the three pound doggy. Our laughter goes out to his family.
Jan Valentine (above, left), the true identity of "Famine" (above, right)
Co-proprietor with his brother, the late Mr. Luke Valentine, of the exclusive restaurant Demonic Vampiric Bitches, Mr. Jan Valentine finds his identification with "Famine" amusing. "Famine" is one of the four evil "Ponies" serving antagonist "Jesus" in Revelations, and in the story inspires "wailing and gnashing of teeth" in the freedom fighters' camp when he makes off with their stash of booze, bacon, and weed. "Yeah, I remember the story. Famine stole all forty tons of each. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible. But don't worry," Mr. Valentine declared with a smile "at DVB, we're in no danger of running out of any of those."
"Of course," continued Mr. Valentine, as the jolly, kindly soul's face fell, "the character Famine also reminds me of my children, and the famine we're trying to rescue them from." Mr. Valentine is a noted philanthropist, funding and working in orphanages in famine-stricken regions of Africa.
Sadly, shortly after our interview, Mr. Valentine ran into a burning orphanage to try to save the children, and was consumed by the flames. Our condolences would go out to his family... if that family hadn't been eated by a doggy already. Also, our condolences go out to the families of the orphans killed in the fireOH WAIT.
It is unknown who will run DVB now that Messrs. Valentine are no longer with us.
Countess Bubbancy Karnstein (above, left), the true identity of "Death" (above, right)
"Of course," continued Mr. Valentine, as the jolly, kindly soul's face fell, "the character Famine also reminds me of my children, and the famine we're trying to rescue them from." Mr. Valentine is a noted philanthropist, funding and working in orphanages in famine-stricken regions of Africa.
Sadly, shortly after our interview, Mr. Valentine ran into a burning orphanage to try to save the children, and was consumed by the flames. Our condolences would go out to his family... if that family hadn't been eated by a doggy already. Also, our condolences go out to the families of the orphans killed in the fireOH WAIT.
It is unknown who will run DVB now that Messrs. Valentine are no longer with us.
Countess Bubbancy Karnstein (above, left), the true identity of "Death" (above, right)
"When I first heard that I was Death," relates Countess Karnstein, "I wasn't sure what to think. My religion doesn't really approve that whole death scene." The Countess is a practicing Boabhan Sith. However, she continued, she has since grown more accustomed to the idea. "I mean, really. I was raised to be tolerant, and I believe that at its heart, my religion preaches tolerance of everyone... even mortals."
"Still," she continued, "I'm not really comfortable with... mortals... hearing the 'Death' thing and looking at me... that way."
"Death" is one of the four evil "Ponies" serving "Jesus", the antagonist of Revelations.
Countess Karnstein has subsequently further shown her commitment to tolerance by agreeing to run the restaurant Demonic Vampiric Bitches, the proprietors of which, Messers Valentine, have themselves recently died. "The Valentines are nice people," the Countess declared in a follow-up interview. "I don't care if they happen to be dead."
"Besides," she confided, "DVB can't just go under. Do you know how good their... ah, well... um... you wouldn't, but seriously. See about getting a knighthood or something. Doesn't even have to be hereditary. It's worth it."
Helena (above, left), the true identity of "John" (above, right)
Theories about John's character must now take into account the disparity between the ending, previously thought fictional, and the unfortunate events of last century. While Revelations ends on a downer note, with "Jesus'" dictatorship cemented and the rebels crushed, the altercation between Messrs. Incognito and Alucard Hellsing in Old London last century ended with victory for Mr. Hellsing, and thus the defeat of "Jesus'" real-world counterpart.
Some, like Prof. Aegypticus, theorize that the ending was written as a multifaceted condemnation of authoritarian rule, featuring on the surface the cautionary and dystopian ending of authoritarian victory, and beneath this the implication the John was forced to write this ending when held captive in "Jesus'" throne room. "This crushing of his artistic integrity and commitment to truth represents the most complete victory possible for Jesus," explains Prof. Aegypticus, "making the cautionary abhorrence we feel at then end absolute."
Others contend that the ending is meant to show that John had overdosed on shrooms and lost touch with reality, which climatically befits their interpretation of the work as one of the great pieces of stoner literature.
"Hey, I'm going to go eat some hors," concluded Prof. Aegypticus, donning her top hat. "Want to come?"
FREAK Co's Freak Chip (tm) (above, left), which has been identified with the "Baptism Spell" (above, right) in Revelations
"Still," she continued, "I'm not really comfortable with... mortals... hearing the 'Death' thing and looking at me... that way."
"Death" is one of the four evil "Ponies" serving "Jesus", the antagonist of Revelations.
Countess Karnstein has subsequently further shown her commitment to tolerance by agreeing to run the restaurant Demonic Vampiric Bitches, the proprietors of which, Messers Valentine, have themselves recently died. "The Valentines are nice people," the Countess declared in a follow-up interview. "I don't care if they happen to be dead."
"Besides," she confided, "DVB can't just go under. Do you know how good their... ah, well... um... you wouldn't, but seriously. See about getting a knighthood or something. Doesn't even have to be hereditary. It's worth it."
Helena (above, left), the true identity of "John" (above, right)
The true identity of "John", the shroom-tripping narrator of Revelations, has come as a surprise to some. Known only as Helena, she is well known as the proprietor of the greatest of the Nouveau London salons. While not generally known as a shroom-tripper, however, she shares the trait of bibliophilia with he character, "John", the only trait of '-philia' she can legally have outside the State of Utah.
"John is a nuanced character," notes salon frequenter Prof. Aegypticus, "certainly the most nuanced in Revelations. He starts out as a Jesus cultist, writing propaganda to support the dictatorship. The entire book is arguably John's character development away from this to sympathy with the freedom fighters outside- while he's still being held in Jesus' throne room."
"I find such a nuanced character a fitting counterpart to Helena," she continued, peeping through her monocle, her top hat discarded by a sniffer of brandy and a cigar, "even if Helena doesn't do shrooms. Oh well. More for the rest of us, I suppose."
"John is a nuanced character," notes salon frequenter Prof. Aegypticus, "certainly the most nuanced in Revelations. He starts out as a Jesus cultist, writing propaganda to support the dictatorship. The entire book is arguably John's character development away from this to sympathy with the freedom fighters outside- while he's still being held in Jesus' throne room."
"I find such a nuanced character a fitting counterpart to Helena," she continued, peeping through her monocle, her top hat discarded by a sniffer of brandy and a cigar, "even if Helena doesn't do shrooms. Oh well. More for the rest of us, I suppose."
Some, like Prof. Aegypticus, theorize that the ending was written as a multifaceted condemnation of authoritarian rule, featuring on the surface the cautionary and dystopian ending of authoritarian victory, and beneath this the implication the John was forced to write this ending when held captive in "Jesus'" throne room. "This crushing of his artistic integrity and commitment to truth represents the most complete victory possible for Jesus," explains Prof. Aegypticus, "making the cautionary abhorrence we feel at then end absolute."
Others contend that the ending is meant to show that John had overdosed on shrooms and lost touch with reality, which climatically befits their interpretation of the work as one of the great pieces of stoner literature.
"Hey, I'm going to go eat some hors," concluded Prof. Aegypticus, donning her top hat. "Want to come?"
FREAK Co's Freak Chip (tm) (above, left), which has been identified with the "Baptism Spell" (above, right) in Revelations
Amid many fascinating identifications of real people with characters in the popular story Revelations, one particular identification that is shaking the business world is not of a person, but of a device.
Who can forget the chilling scenes in Revelations depicting the "Baptism Spell", a process by which "Jesus" brainwashes an unfortunate person into serving him and his dictatorship? When the wildly popular Freak Chip (tm), the device upon which FREAK Co's business empire is built, is identified with this "Spell", one cannot help but get a shiver up ones spine, no matter how silly the identification seems.
FREAK Co CEO Rotti Largo was quick to defend his product, noting that it has brought unlife to millions, "and with very affordable payment schedules, too, I might add."
"Our Freak Chips (tm) are perfectly safe," he continued. "All the consumer has to worry about is being ninety days delinquent on their payments." He laughed. "Or my goons will get you, huh? Haha!"
"But seriously. Don't fucking be delinquent on your payments."
Who can forget the chilling scenes in Revelations depicting the "Baptism Spell", a process by which "Jesus" brainwashes an unfortunate person into serving him and his dictatorship? When the wildly popular Freak Chip (tm), the device upon which FREAK Co's business empire is built, is identified with this "Spell", one cannot help but get a shiver up ones spine, no matter how silly the identification seems.
FREAK Co CEO Rotti Largo was quick to defend his product, noting that it has brought unlife to millions, "and with very affordable payment schedules, too, I might add."
"Our Freak Chips (tm) are perfectly safe," he continued. "All the consumer has to worry about is being ninety days delinquent on their payments." He laughed. "Or my goons will get you, huh? Haha!"
"But seriously. Don't fucking be delinquent on your payments."
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