Let's Play Castlevania! (Part I)

And now for something different! I'm gonna talk about Castlevania games!


First and foremost, I got SOTN to work! I'm gonna blow your minds and just tell you now: You send Dracula to hamburger time at the beginning of the damn game. That whole "What is a man?" scene? That's the first scene.

And then the game actually starts, and you're playing as Alucard.



No, not that one, sadly. This one.

His son. In Canon!verse, this is the one we call Failcard. But we've never really gotten to know him- we just make assumptions based on his alignment and cameos in other games. Shall we get to know the real Failcard?

Oh hell yes. Now, Failcard starts out fully dressed. Let's see some of the stuff he's wearing, hmm?

Item Description: Twilight Cloak
A black cloak for vampires

Item Description: Alucard Sword
Mother’s family heirloom

Ahh. THAT's why Failcard’s on the run. He’s stolen his mother’s sword.

According to the game, this is his mother:
As I've said before, she looks awfully familiar. But you only see her in flashback. Here, though, is what you do see!

The first real enemy you meet in the game is what Aria calls a Warg. It’s a giant wolf. Kinda pretty. It’s really cool to see that Aria uses the same design, because it’s a well-designed enemy. It's pretty!



The second enemy you fight... is also a wolf. After you’ve gone inside. There’s like, five or six wolves in the first hallway. Weird.

It kinda irritates me that you start the game wearing all your Mary Sue clothes. Srsly. You have the best sword, shield, amulet, cloak, armor, shoes, everything!

And then there’s a boss fight
And it’s fucking DEATH.
FIRST BOSS IN THE GAME
IS FUCKING DEATH.
AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Only... it’s not a fight. Much like in Portrait of Ruin, Death shows up just to be a prick. He calls Alucard a pussy and then steals his shit. And... wow. He actually changes color! As if all his good shit was no longer on him! Could equipping of items to the character ACTUALLY show up in gameplay? Oh I hope so!

Woah. What the fuck is this? The save room is NOT a glowing statue of the virgin Mary or a fountain... it’s a pulsing red-and-yellow D20. Since I don’t have a PS1 memory stick, I’m just gonna heal up here.... hoooooooly crap. Trippy. It explodes, breaks apart, and forms a coffin around you.



Oh hey, the relics- things in the game that are useful- show up as cubes here! Just like in PoR. Hmm, what’s this relic?

Cube of Zoe?

Who... who’s Zoe?

Spittle bone enemies actually spit saliva at you. In the later games, they spit fire. I think having them spit spittle makes more sense.



Ee! I just equipped a new cape and woaho, Whinycard’s wearing a cape! CLEARLY when we gave him an infatuation with dressing up, we were correct!

Uhoh. Door sealed. Music stopped. T... time for a boss fight.


Oh! It’s Slogra and Gaibon... and they fight together... and... um... where is that spear going?

Yeah, I can see where all that horrifying Rule 34 stuff comes from.

And I died, and since I don’t have a PS1 memory stick, game over! Time to play something new!

Castlevania: Curse of Darkness.

This release for PS2 met with a hell of a lot of panning- apparently, if it's not a Metroidvania style game, it sucks. But I wanted to try it for myself!

Here’s all I got from the opening narration:

- Our hero’s name is Trevor
Something about a plague?
As I said, the two PS2 CV games took a lot of flack for being shit. We’re about to discover the truth of that.

It starts with a person who I am thinking is Trevor running towards a castle, yelling for Isaac.

Isaac... ISAAC? Isaac as in the bastard love child of Rip Van Winkle and Charles Foster Offdensen?

What, you know I'm right.


But, alas, it is not the right Isaac. Instead, it’s a pretty, red-haired, kinda crazy, femmy vampire with a sarcastic, almost British-sounding affected voice who’s hitting on and threatening simultaneously this Hector.

He also has a... thing... for chains. And whips. And he doesn't seem to own a shirt. But anyways, who the hell is Hector? As it turns out, Hector, not Trevor is our hero. I’m already NOT caring about Hector or Trevor or any of ‘em. I’m caring about this Isaac character. He’s got a hawt voice... though, come to think of it Hector does, too. Actually, Hector sounds really familiar. Why does he sound so familiar? The cutscene ends, and then the game begins.

Already I can see where peoples’ control issues came from. The controls are SUPER-sensitive, which might get irritating. Hmm. Why do those grunts and shouts sound so familiar? Do you recognize this voice?

(It starts at 1:36ish)

That guy with the white hair is Hector. Aside from a cool voice, he's also got a chair fetish. No, really. Part of the game is finding all the different types of chairs to sit in. Odd.

Anyways, onto gameplay. The first enemy pops out of nowhere, which is kinda cool. I do like the 3d fighting system; if you get behind the enemy, he goes all transparent so you can see where you are. It’s a pretty quick fight, not too tough... and then the enemy drops a hamburger.
What the hell. It’s 1500 and the enemy drops a hamburger. “A meat patty squashed inside a bun to make it easier to eat. This one has a lot of tasty pickles.” It only gets stranger when you enter the first save room. You sit down in this big throne with wings on it. It’s pretty, but it’s also inhumanly strange. What I really like about it is that whenever you’re near a save room, a little indicator appears under your feet. You always know when you’re near one.

The wolf enemies in this game are neither giant nor threatening. They’re actually kind of adorable. They’re cute little wolf things named Fenrir.

Apparently, tombstones in this world look like coffee tables with floating pixies on ‘em. Hector then picks up evil demon summoning powers. Why? We don’t know. No apparent reason.

Ad then you get applauded by some bald Aussie-Britthing. His name’s Zead. He congratulates you and spews some bullshit about Isaac or somebody... I have a feeling he’ll be important later. Apparently, what you just did is called Devil Forging. It made something called “Innocent Devil Infant Fairy” appear. You then must name the Innocent Devil. The game suggests Raji. I go with Bill. Basically, Innocent Devils are untainted familiars created by devil forgemasters. This game clearly has no idea what devil actually means. Anyways, they’re your subweapons in this game. It took me a good ten minutes to figure that out- the game doesn’t explain it well at all.

Fairy-type innocent devils can open up treasure chests, restore HP, or heal status ailments. THey also look like Tinkerbell, if Tinkerbell was a naked Fallout Boy fan. Seriously, was there any need to put that much eyeliner on a fairy?

This game really likes its fairies. From the weird-ass fairy chairs in the save rooms to the fairy devils that follow you around (and sparkle!), this game loves the fae.

Hit this link to see what I mean about almost all of that stuff.

And goddamn! WHERE have I heard that voice?

So that my map would be complete, I decided to run outside of the castle for a while. I saw two things floating in the distance. Thinking they were enemies, I ran closer. Much to my surprise, one was a floating miniature Easter Island moai, and the other was a potion. So far, this game has turned up fairies, moai, and hamburgers. And then my eyes started hurting from video games, so I had to stop. But I was still curious. Where had I heard that voice before? That summoning... that shouting...

...
...
... Wait. Go back to when he said "I see" and that bit about serving.

Now listen to this.

Well. Damn.

I think I'm gonna like this game.

And, just so you didn't slog through all this for nothing, here's concept art for the game's infamous succubus enemy.


(I imagine under the cutoff, she's wearing sequined bats.)

E-mail 5

To: greatqueenerat@france.fr
From: fangsnfeathers@england.co.uk
Subject: Little Glass Vials

FUCK! You've got the Graverobber in your employ? HOW? We've been after him for months, hoping to secure his allegiance, but he's a slipperier fish than our friend in the opera, and you know how she is! That's good news though. Very good news. (You shall be thanked. I'm thinking with fancy sidearms? Sidewinder missiles? Some of that heritage Darjeeling?) If you have him and can keep him away from Amber Sweet, perhaps she can be deposed as the brazen addict she is. GeneCo might be an amoral pack of jackals, but should her activities be exposed... especially if she's technically embezzling from the company... well, I've seen what happens to those who cross GeneCo. Nathan Wallace was a good friend of Dr. Trevelyan- you remember him, no? My personal surgeon? I've never seen such vicious corporate behavior. And I headed the Hellsing Organization, of all things. And then we can put somebody else in charge... Perhaps somebody from the Millennium sector? Imagine what Jan Valentine would do with an unlimited supply of transplant organs. I do know that I want to remove Luigi from GeneCo entirely. I fear I must request that you let me have him; his proclivities wouldn't fall in well with the Sisterhood's activities, and I think I could forge that raging temper of his into a well-honed blade. Hellsing is still an actual business, after all, and I think Luigi would make a fine manager. And even if he doesn't, I feel it necessary to sever as many of his familial bonds as possible. You'd be amazed at what humans can accomplish, provided they feel sufficiently betrayed...

Of course, we can not risk this operation by moving swiftly. The hoi polloi still, for some reason, idolizes Amber Sweet. I'd wanted to move Ripje into the position recently... vacated... by Blind Mag, but she wanted no part. I think she feels the same way you do about anything Italian. I think that turning the Graverobber might be useful, but I don't think I can bring myself to do it. He looks too much like my cousin- you remember Luke, right? for my tastes. With Amber out of the way, Pavi should be easy enough to handle. He has much in common with that German doctor who was involved with Millennium for a while, aside from the obvious comparison to René and his libido. I think that, if relocated properly, we can ignore him.

And while I would hope for your sake that the doctors at the Asylum don't follow my lead, there is nothing wrong with mixing business and pleasure! Remember what Hellsing's primary asset once was? I am most certainly not talking about the police girl. (As Eglantine would say it, "Rawwwwr. I mean, dayumn." How do you even pronounce that last word?)

I, too, look forward to tea.

Cordially,

Countess Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing

E-mail 4

To: fangsnfeathers@england.co.uk
From: greatqueenerat@france.fr
Subject: Irksome Italians

Dear Countess Hellsing,

The things one hears in an Asylum, or so the saying goes; to writ: I have but a few hours ago been presented with a rather extremely illuminating Sisterhood report on this Largo situation (or I do suppose, this Sweet situation, should we wish to acknowledge that… person’s petty indulgences), and to be still more particular, on Zydrate production in the disreputable enclave that pernicious family has carved out for itself; a report from which I have learned the following: illegal Zydrate production, on which we had pinned so many worries, is no more, or rather, is a rapidly expanding market, but under Largo auspices: a market domestic, within that city-on-a-graveyard, and foreign, and thus, the market driving the growing Zydrate problem within our own nations: a grave charge, to be sure, but one made with confidence by Sisterhood agents in whom I, in turn, have complete confidence, a conclusion, indeed, substantiated by the testimony of a prominent street-vender of Zydrate and client of Largo policies, whom my agents brought under Sisterhood pay (it should here be noted that this man’s affect on my agents, several of whom had previously shown no favor toward males, bears note, and, given this individual’s connections with the Largos, may portend some aphrodisiac device appearing in GeneCo’s arsenal in the coming months, which, if I may venture into stating the obvious, may provide those people with leverage over our mutual friend (to… um… assign a neutral enough word) René, with obvious and odious political implications), and indeed, this grave robbing Zydrate vending ruffian has claimed to be so prominent as to supply our mutual… aquantance, Sweet, with her Zydrate, which, if true, would indeed explain how she has been able to keep her habit off the GeneCo books (which I am sure, Countess, that your intelligence service, being just as efficient as mine, has provided to you as well), and thus of no use to her brothers’ admittedly rather timid-seeming attempts to overthrow her, if this is true, in fact, we could well have precisely the leverage we require to aid Mr. Luigi Largo in assuming his rightful place as our puppet CEO, and, in fact, if this is true, I shall now be so bold as to propose that we do, in fact, embark on this endeavour, for it must be admitted by any reasonable observer that if our nations’ Zydrate problem is in fact a product of deliberate GeneCo policy, it must be seen as nothing short of a policy of war, clandestine, true, but war none-the-less, meriting our response, if only clandestinely, with acts predicated on a similar attitude of enmity, of which the overthrow of that… woman would be a perfect example; thus, Countess, I do here formally propose that our agents act together to achieve this end, and end for which we should have far more assets available then the number we shall actually need (and indeed, should it prove necessary to put a rapid and punctuated end to the situation, sending Chandra, further armed as she now is, to remedy the situation may well prove just as effective as indulging my General Staff’s rather understandable, in light of their origins in this fair land of Gaulish past, enthusiasm for tactical nuclear warheads) and, having made this proposal, must conclude, at the risk this time of mixing pleasure with business, by noting my relief at the reprieve of my clothing, and, finally, must assure you that I shall send you butter crumpets in abundance.
I do look forward to tea.

Yours manicly,
President Emilie Autumn

Ps. If my new graverobbing associate does indeed prove to be as valuable an asset as he claims to be, I should like to consult you about making him a vampire, for, though I do realize you prefer to keep such indulgences of mortals to a minimum, it would surely make our operations far easier in that rather touchy sector of the world.

E-mail 3

To: greatqueenerat@france.fr
From: fangsnfeathers@england.co.uk
Subject: Concession of Wrongness

Madame President,

Well, that certainly explains things a bit! I should have known you'd never do anything to put one of your devotees at risk. And while it is an impractical combat uniform, it does convey a sense of deranged dignity as a dress uniform. And, while I fear I would drown in the ruffles, it does suit my girl. There's nothing more adorable than something that looks like a large porcelain doll baring fangs at you.

Anyways, I do see the merits to such a design. After composing that last e-mail, I went down to the kitchen because I was, for some reason or other, exceedingly hungry. Somebody had eaten all the cheese poofs and freeze-dried Asian noodles, so I was forced to attempt to make a giant sandwich for comfort. Only we were out of sliced bread, so I had to slice some more, but then I realized that there were no knives in the kitchen. Well, you know how I am after I... indulge, so after managing to destroy seven loaves with my revolver (Side note: Did you know that bullets don't slice bread evenly?), naturally I had to go look for them.

Every single knife in our house, plus five of the Count's favorite guns, three practice foils, and a wooden ventriloquist's dummy managed to fit in the folds of that dress. I didn't even know we had a ventriloquist's dummy. I don't think we even know any ventriloquists. But I was rather impressed with her ingenuity and devotion to her new task; it seems you may have gotten more than you bargained for in enlisting my Chandra! I simply told her that if Lex Luthor was to seize her, she should use her sense of dramatic irony. At this, she pulled out a cake server and grinned. Is it any wonder she's my favorite? Geneva be damned, she's a woman after my own heart. Or rather, the heart of anybody who crosses her. If only the other two were half as interesting!

And your clothing might not suffer the indignity of my middle child. Egs has expressed interest in "crashing" here for a few days after G20K- to "hang out" with us- and you know she doesn't go anywhere without that brother of hers. While I do fear she's going native, René will keep him distracted for a few days. You might be girly, but he's flamboyant. Although I don't much care myself for anybody who encourages the child's habits, René doesn't mind sharing clothes with him. The last time the two were together, they had taken the children for a week on their new yacht, and the boy came back wearing a sailor suit with those tiny little shorts. You know the ones. His father, needless to say, was quite upset. I was as well, but for entirely different reasons. Though perhaps less as upset as I would have been normally; indeed, this dealing with the Largos is weighing heavily on my mind. Luigi is tolerable, and even perhaps useful, but I've known pigeons more capable than his useless siblings. With his sister running the show at GeneCo, there will be problems, mark my word. And if I know that little tart like I think I do, the unregulated distribution of Zydrate is only going to get worse... Perhaps if we got the makers of it on our side? I know that I can lure Luigi into supporting us, but I'd like to handle this as non-violently as possible... for now...

Would you be so kind as to tuck a box of those exquisite little butter crumpets into your parcels? I fear I'm still something of a wretched baker. I'll be having the staff prepare the Zen Room for you, I think- we're currently remodeling the guest suites. D thought it would be "funny" to ride the Thunderhorse through the halls. I believe I now understand why Dr. Furter killed that young man on the motorcycle- the damage something like that does to a hallway!

Cordially,

Countess Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing

E-mail 2

To: fangsnfeathers@england.co.uk
From: greatqueenerat@france.fr
Subject: Your Daughter

Dear Countess Hellsing,

Pleased as I am to receive correspondence from outside the Asylum, most notably from so dear a friend as yourself, Countess, I do nevertheless feel that I should clarify a point or two about your daughter Chandra, honorary Gothic Lolita of the First Battalion of my First Regiment; and, more particularly, about her uniform.
It is, of course, a dress uniform, for that is simply the only sort suitable for a daughter of yours, Countess, and indeed, Chandra would scarcely be assigned combat duties (they do still call on us to uphold those silly Geneva Conventions, after all, which the use of your daughter against ones enemies would be sure to violate), and in fact, though I must admit I have been loathe to tell you until now, she had quite a hand in the design of her current apparel, having declared the normal garment “quite too plain”.
I do indeed appreciate the delicate nature of the situation with your… male child… (and do please tell that… person not to stretch out my corsets so), but to be frank, Countess, I am unconcerned, for Chandra has taken quite a liking to her new uniform, and you and I both know the fate that befalls those… persons… who endeavour to meddle with those things which Lolita Chandra (if I may be so bold as to refer to her by her new honorary title) has taken a liking to.
Indeed, should Lex Luthor, or anyone, attempt to steal your daughter, I must confess amusement at the thought of the fate that would befall them.
I am unaware of the origin of the hatpin, lovely as it is, as it was provided by Chandra herself as we designed her uniform.
This GeneCo situation is indeed quite irksome, as one would expect (if you’ll pardon me my mild prejudices) when dealing with Italians; however, I do remain confident that we shall be able to resolve it quickly and with a minimum of nuclear munitions expended, and on that note, must now pause here to gratefully accept your most gracious invitation to your house (as for badminton: but of course I shall bring my set).
I do so look forward to tea.

Yours manicly,
President Emilie Autumn

Ps. Though it is no doubt a lost cause, perhaps between us we could keep all of my clothing safe this visit, and thus out of the hands of your… child?

E-mail 1

To: greatqueenerat@france.fr
From: fangsnfeathers@england.co.uk
Subject: My Daughter

Dear Madame President,

I am displeased. While I know it's a great honour that my daughter be given a rank in the Sisterhood, and while I know that the first battalion is the closest to you, and while I know you're the best violin teacher slash ungodly godmother a girl could ever have, I cannot help but be displeased.



My daughter looks like a cake. Really, Emilie, what kind of uniform is this? How do you run in this? How do you fence in this? Do you know what happens if you accidentally drop a cinder on something like this? I cannot allow her to leave the house in it for fear that Lex Luthor will steal her while nobody's looking. And that's terrible.

Furthermore, you know of our little... situation with my middle child. We have a difficult enough time trying to keep him out of the Sangreal siblings' garments and the spare clothing you keep here; how are we supposed to guard the guest quarters' closets and Chandra's at the same time? Being only a dhampir, he doesn't have the same weaknesses his father does. The boy is becoming immune to the roses we wind around the doorknobs, and once he breaks through, then where will we be?

I will say though, the insignia's not bad. Did Eglantine design that hatpin?

Looking forward to seeing you at the G20K conference and picking your brain about the GeneCo situation. The Count wants to know if you're coming to stay afterwards and if you'll bring the badminton set.

Happy Bastille Day.

Cordially,

Countess Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing

The Asylum Army

Priorities:

1. To act as bodyguards, protecting the person, home, instruments, studio, etc, of Miss Emilie Autumn
2. To conduct combat operations against enemies of EA
3. To defend EA fandom against all enemy action
4. To endeavour to spread the Plague further

The Army’s basic tactical unit is the squad, consisting of 5 soldiers: 4 Muffins, commanded by a Plague Rat. Most operations are conducted at this level, mostly establishing security for EA fans against rogue Dethkolk-exclusivity gangs. Groups of squads may co-ordinate for such operations. Command devolves to the squad commander whose squad has greatest seniority within the platoon, 2^nd squad having the Plague Rat with greatest seniority, and 9^th squad having the Plague Rat with the least.

Large area-control operations may be conducted at the platoon level. The platoon, consisting of 50 soldiers, is divided into 10 squads. 2^nd through 9^th squads are combat squads. 10^th squad is a medic squad. 1^st squad is the headquarters squad, serving as guards and staff to the platoon’s commander, typically a Chambermaid. 1^st squad is not a merely administrative unit, however, and may often see combat. When, rarely, multiple platoons embark on operations together, command devolves to the Chambermaid with highest seniority, that of 1^st platoon having highest, that of 9^th platoon the lowest.

Platoons are grouped into companies. There are 6 platoons in a company, plus the company commander and an at-large squad, which serves as her or his staff, for a total of 306 soldiers. The company, typically commanded by a Mad Girl, is mostly an administrative unit, overseeing operations by subsidiary platoons. However, in rare instances, entire companies may be engaged in single operations, under the direct command of their Mad Girl commander.

Companies are grouped into battalions, which consist of 5 companies, and a headquarters of 10, for a total size of 1,530 soldiers. Commanded by a Gothic Lolita, battalions are almost entirely administrative, as no battalion has itself ever been involved in combat operations. Nevertheless, the tactical abilities of Gothic Lolitas are quite honed, both by planning operations for their subsidiary companies, and in a rigorous regimen of exercises, intended to prepare the Army for a the outbreak of a major “war” against major hostile forces. The 6^th Platoon of E Company within a battalion is a medic platoon, handling all but initial first aid for most combat injuries.

5 battalions constitute a regiment, which, with a headquarters of 20, consists of a total of 7,720 soldiers. Commanded by an Opheliac, the regiment is an almost purely administrative unit, and the largest units of the current Asylum Army. Like battalion commanders, however, the Opheliac of a regiment is virtually constantly honing her or his combat skills, in preparation for a potential war. E Company of 5^th Battalion in each regiment is a hospital company, mostly handling recovering cases from within the regiment.

Though the regiment is the largest normal unit in the army, plans exist to establish divisions in wartime, heavily based on militia troops. The details of a division’s structure have not been established, though in the current literature, the rank of General is often tentatively assigned to divisional command. However, no such rank exists in the current Asylum Army.

Due to the irregular nature of the Army’s current tactical environment, logistic duties are carried out by combat troops, with the exception of administration, which is handled by regular unit headquarters. There is thus no need for a dedicated logistic service, at present, beyond the full-time services of a few members of the General Staff.

There are, at present, 4 regiments within the Asylum Army: 1^st (Opheliac), 2^nd (Enchant), 3^rd (Fight Like a Girl), and 4^th (Unlaced). In addition to a General Staff (in which the ranks of Asylum Administrator and Asylum Director may be found) of around 50, the Asylum Army thus consists of approximately 30,930 members.

Squads are numbered within platoons, and platoons within companies. Companies are known by the letters A through E within a battalion, while battalions are numbered within regiments, which are themselves numbered. Thus, a typical soldier may serve in 3^rd Squad, 5^th Platoon, B Company, 2^nd Battalion, 1^st Regiment (Opheliac). Both platoon and squad numbers are often used by themselves, but in conjunction; thus, our soldier belongs colloquially to the 53^rd squad. Company letters are often related by the NATO alphabet, and thus she belongs to Baker Company. The honorific names of regiments are rarely used colloquially, serving more as official honors.

The rank structure of the Asylum Army, with NATO-equivalent status, is below:

Muffin: E-2

Plague Rat: E-6

Chambermaid: O-2

Mad Girl: O-4

Gothic Lolita: O-6

Opheliac: O-7

Asylum Administrator: O-8

Asylum Director: O-9

Note that there is no sharp enlisted/officer distinction. A Chambermaid is simply a promoted Plague Rat, not an “officer” to the Plague Rat’s “NCO”.

The ranks’ insignia are black cheekhearts. A Muffin is denoted by one heart under the left eye, a Plague Rat by one under either eye, and the succeeding ranks to Opheliac by one more for each rank, from left to right. A Gothic Lotita thus carries three under her or his left eye, and two under her or his right, while an Opheliac has three under either eye. Asylum Administrators have one large heart under their left eye, Asylum Directors have one under each eye. Black is the only color used for any hearts, the use of red being reserved for Miss Autumn herself.