FEAR

FEAR MASTER WINS MASTER ALWAYS WINS I SURRENDER FEAR

HERE ARE [s]DISTRACTIONS[/s] WAR GUILT REPARATION PAYMENTS

...I COME HOME FROM TEXAS AND WHAT DO I FIND?
TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME, YOU SLIMY SMEG-FACED SON OF A SOW.


EXHIBIT FUCKING A: WINONA RYDER HAVING MAD SEX WITH A PUPPET. SHE LOVES THAT FUCKING PUPPET.

FUCKING EXHIBIT B: A FUCKING POSTER FOR MY FUCKING IMMORTAL. IT FEATURES WINONA RYDER AS RAVEN AND LIV TYLER AS ENOBY. ENOBY DARK'NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY.


Oh yeah, it's that miserable gigolog Cait's birthday. You'll notice I said GIGOLO and not WHORE because I am REVOKING his woman card. Happy birthday, assface. I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP.

Interesting!

So it turns out Crispin Freeman is the English voice actor for Togusa in Ghost in the Shell: SAC.

Nifty, huh?

Oh wait. I haven't explained who Crispin Freeman is.

Well, y'see, he is an Alu.

Thus:


ack, wait, that's not right. Hmm....

hmmm...

hmmmmmm... letssee...

AH! of ceu-rse.



Sorry about that mix-up. Sorta inexplicable how it could happen, huh? Weird.

So anyway, guess what else this guy's record says is also an Alu?



This! *nods* Yupyup!


So um... yeah. Been nice knowing everybody. Messa gonna die now, y'see. If you'll excuse me, I'll be listening to Emilie Autumn and looking at Winona Ryder pictures, 'kay-tnks-bye'.

Oh, one final note... wellll....

...Ah what the hell. Gonna die anyway.

This iss SCOTTISH!


farewell cruel worldddddddddddddddddd....oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhWR
andalsoMissAutumnisaveryscaryperson.

Curse-Ed Motion Picture Shows

So tonight I saw Zombieland. Fookin' awesome film. But that's not the point.
The point is: there were pre-film ad-vertise-ments.
Now. Let's note: I have never watched this... V of which you kids speak. All I know about it is that interstellar-capable aliens want to steal our water... complete with astronomy-and-physics-y laughter.
Anyway, there was an ad shown for a new re-make of this production.
QUESTION: is it a bad thing that I am now sorely tempted to watch this?

Why am I? Give you a hint, it's a way in which Firefly apparently failed by virtue of not being as awesome as it could have been.

Try taking a guess.

An Unfortunate Omission

Indeed. What the title says. There has been one.

Y'see, this weblog was supposed to be about things. Like animals.

What animals? Hmmm... let me think..... oh yeah.


Those.

ps la squeaksqueak rar! und :P

NSFFW

Not suitable for fucking work.

PSA

So Bing Image Search is bloody dangerous.

Proof:


You have been warned.

Camwhore time!

So I have a totally bitchin' bookshelf.



See? Bitchin'
Why yes, yes, I did just camwhore my bookshelf. That is all.



ps squeaksqueak

Ramne

So Cait has this gay ram called Rene.

I love that French whore so damn hard.

Rene and Rene say yay for gay and hay gurl hay!

GDI

Sometimes this blog ANNOYS ME with its setup.

Quite

Belgium is indeed made of awesome.

This is unsurprising, really, as they're almost French.

Christ, I Love Belgium

Yup.

The most GODDESSDAMNED AWESOME THING EVER

aka 'some people have fantasy feet-ball teams, Police Girl has fantasy military hardware'

'Kay. So. Most awesome thing ever:

So take one of the six Soviet Project 941 Акула-class (NATO TYPHOON) SSBNs. Probably one of the three that were scrapped in reality by the Russian Federation (let us pause a moment here to wail and gnash teeth). Now, the Russkies, living in their post-Communist... utopia... of the '90s, are stripped for cash, as usual. So they decide to sell our dear friend, the missile boat.
Now a word on the Project 941. Like many other Soviet submarines, she is really better designed than a U.S. Navy boat- three times the reserve buoyancy of an Ohio-class (SSBN 726) [the comparable generation U.S.N. missile boat], better streamlining [*cough*sail*cough], and, quite frankly, a far more innovative design. All of these are common threads in U.S. versus Soviet submarines.
U.S. equipment, however, was generally fairly to far better than their Soviet equivalents. In particular, the Soviet RSM-52/R-39R (NATO SS-N-20 STURGEON) SLBM was far inferior in every way to the U.S. Trident D-5 SLBM, not least because the Soviets arrived late to the solid-fueled SLBM party. In any event, the Trident D-5 is more accurate, longer ranged, carries a larger total-yield payload (MIRV of 8 W-88 of 475-kT yield versus a MIRV of 10 100-kT Soviet warheads), and is smaller in all dimensions, to boot.
Now, with that in mind, let's go back to '90s-era Russia hating the AWESOME and all over a little revenue crunch. They sell their Project 941, naturally enough, to the French Navy. Yeah. Yeah.

Provided with the boat are a full loadout of twenty-two USET-80 533 mm torpedoes, of the wire-guided 20-kT nuclear warhead flavor, and maybe some nuclear-armed VA-111 шквал supercavitating rockets, to boot.
Now, by whatever means (I dunno, agreeing to re-join the unified NATO command structure a decade early, or something) they acquire 20 Trident D-5s, complete with full W-88 MIRV loadout [hey hey HEY, France is TOTALY AWESOME enough to get their hands on top-secret U.S. technology].
Wanna guess what they do with the Tridents? Here's a hint, in the form of the dimensions of the Trident D-5 and the R-39R:
Trident D-5: Length, 13.4 m; Diameter, 2.1 m.
R-39R: Length, 16 m; Diameter, 2.4 m.
The missile tubes on the Project 941 are large enough to accommodate the R-39R. Go back and read those dimensions again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, but I haven't gotten to the best part yet. The French Navy christens her the Verdun.

If you'll excuse me, gentle reader, my brain is melting from the awesome. Although you probably can't excuse me, as yours is too.

[ps this is an awesome book]

OVA VII Trailer

Totally, uh, just now put that game down. And I'm not even halfway done yet.

Anyways.

I interrupt my video gaming to bring you this important announcement.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSFOq12I2bQ

This is MADE of awesome. Like... this might actually make me like Seras. And my second-favorite brownshirt's back!

Castlefuckingvania

So I now own every GBA Castlevania game, including my favorite, Aria of Sorrows. Now, I'm in the middle of playing, so I'll share pics and observations and things later, but I must tell you all something.

I'm currently fighting an enemy whose main weapon is his tongue.

He's a lizard.

With a tongue weapon.

I love this game.

Also, somebody's getting good at picture editing, Cait!

Ladies and Gentlemen

Meet Major Simone Zaytseva, Tarrinist Internal Investigations:


She says hi. And to work for our common victory, lest she fucking shoot you.

Vampire Review, Manga Edition: Angel Dust

I was all excited to read this one because apparently in it, Young Father Anderson is a drug dealer.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to die.

I couldn't figure out the plot of this thing at all.

What I DID figure out was far, far worse. Unlike Doc's Story, you can't figure out what's going on unless you read Japanese really well. Otherwise... it's just page after page of random sex. Horrible, godawful, painful sex.

Let's just meet the characters now. There's a lot of them, and they're uh... interesting.

So our hero is this poor fucker, Young Father Anderson.

He comes home from the grocery store to find his friend Young Yumie in a compromising position. I am not showing you that picture for your own good.

Now, Young Yumie is in a compromising position with this guy.

Don't recognize him?How about now?

Minor characters in this part of the story include Rapist No Eyes...

And the Two Goons.

Wait.
Wait.
In the back there... is that?... nah. That can't be.

So ...Bishop Maxwell... has his way with Yumie, along with a bunch of other guys. But instead of flipping out and killing them ALL, she kind of cries and has flashbacks. Fr. Anderson gets pissed, he takes off, they go to a safe house, and...

HEINKEL WILL END YOU BOTH DON'T DO IT MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE oh god Father Anderson has sex with Yumie. The rape victim. Who seduces him after having a rape flashback.

We then go on to the volume that actually made me cry. Why? Well. We'll see in a bit. The scans I downloaded had been colored by the person who had them before me, so I can't really say what color everything is supposed to be. We do get to see the start of Hirano's fixation with writing on crosses, though.

In this chapter, we meet a thoroughly uninteresting short-haired blonde nun who doesn't have sex with anybody and a whole shitton of random characters.

.
.
.
No.
Not him.
Anybody but him. Or Tegs or Rip.

Kill me now.

So here we have wimpy-lookin' Protocard talking to... where in hell did this child come from? Why the hell is there a child in this manga?

Is that child Young Capcap and if so I think I know why he does not ever speak. It should be noted that our 'main' character pretty much doesn't show up any more, and in fact, all semblance of a plot has gone, because Protocard meets...

That was the cleanest picture there is of this person. And yes. It IS a female Pip. Guess why she's all excited. Hint. That was the part where I started crying.

So these two get done, then on the next page, Protocard is discovered to SURPRISE SURFUCKINGPRISE be a priest. EVERYBODY in this book is clergy. EVEN FEMALE PIP. It seems that she died during the night because he's being very sad next to a tombstone.

And then they go to Rio.

It tells you how much of a nerd I am that I recognized that hotel desk, but it's the same damn desk. Seriously. They just fixed it up a bit in Hellsing proper.

Yeah. It's ok... kid who really looks like uninteresting blonde nun who doesn't have sex but I'm not opening up that damn file again to take more pictures. It's ok. You just got Riocard'd, that's all. To close out the manga, we have a shot of this guy in the last panel. And I'll be damned if he didn't remind me of Walter. Old Walter.

I hate my life.

In Conclusion
Sanity Check: AUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Canonicity: DEAR GOD PLEASE NO
Favorite Panel: Not a panel in particular, but a series of panels. After a few shots of food coloring, I happened to notice something. Remember that goon from the first volume? Well, he came back.

His name is Easy.

Sir Easy Islands.
Huh.

Fffffff, I was supposed to do Coyote after this, but I don't think I can handle it. Tune in next time for my review of Hellsing: Legend of the Vampire Hunter! Mercifully, there's no Catholics in it!

Vampire Review, Manga Edition: Doc's Story

Normally, I don't seek out pornographic manga.

That being said, I've decided that for the next few blog posts, we're going to review the beginnings of Hellsing.

The good news: They're easy to get ahold of.

The bad news: They all have naked people in them.

The first little gem we're going to look at is a short piece called, simply, "Doc's Story." This snipped of insight gives us two backstories: Dok's and Schro's. The manga features three characters, and they're all pretty easy to keep track of. The only character whose naughty bits we don't see is this guy.


It's pretty easy to tell just by looking at him that he could evolve into a Hellsing character. This is
Doc, an SS scientist who evolves into Dok. He's uh... our protagonist? Yeah, we'll go with that. He's our protagonist. He's a lot younger here than he is in Hellsing, but you can see where he's going in a few years. He definitely ages a lot more than Rip does, but then again, he's not a vampire.


I think you can really definitely see that he's eventually going to turn into Dok here. You can also see that at some point in his life, he wore a full shirt.

The other character we meet in the beginning is Hitler. Yes. That Hitler. Hirano... Hirano's one messed up dude, that's all I can say.


Curiously enough, in the last chapter of the Hellsing manga, there's a picture of Tegs with a similar expression and skulls and things in the background. However, hers is clearly a pirate-themed background. I have no idea why.

The final character is an unnamed catgirl demoness summoned by Doc from Hell, and Hitler, who asked Doc to get him laid. Yes, you heard me, the whole point of this story is that a horny Hitler wants Doc to summon a catgirl so that he can have sex. And... yeah, I just kinda told you everything that happens in the manga right there. Most of it is devoted to the catgirl and her various states of undress and ravishment.


She... uh... look like anybody to you?

No. Not Seras. Her eyes are up there, pal. I find it interesting that Hirano's glove fetish extends to demons but not Hitler.

So, pretty much right after her appearance, she has sex with Hitler, Dok yells at Hitler, and the manga is over. That's, uh, it. Yeah. The catgirl doesn't go back to hell, so according to pretty much the established rules of demon summoning, she's there for Dok and Adolf's er... bidding.

Yeah, you can tell I'm dancing around the elephant in the room, can't you.

Yeah.

We kinda get to see Schro's conception.

Schrodinger is Hitler's son.

It's not a happy thought.

In Conclusion:
Sanity Check: Not as bad as Akira, which is the established low point for the sanity check (seriously, I had to cover Cthulhu's eyes at the end) but it lost a lot of points for making me see Hitler's junk.
Canonicity: It fits the established, no-side-media canon pretty well. I can see the skinny guy evolving into the Dok we know and love, and, well... Mama Schrodinger does have a lot of facial resemblance to my second-favorite prepubescent brownshirt.
Favorite Panel: This one.
It shows pretty much how much better at art Hirano's going to get. Also, it reminds me of the Luke/Alu fight. Eated by a doggy.

Hellsing OVA VI!

First of all. Fuck you, Cait.
Second of all. There's gonna be a Castlevania movie!
And third of all. I MANAGED TO FIND AND WATCH THE LATEST HELLSING OVA.

And oh is it awesome. Now, the metalbook cover is devoted to Pip, and the regular cover has everybody's least-favorite Frenchkiller, Zorin Blitz, but, just from the start of this episode, it seems like it really isn't about either of them, because the first face we seen in this episode is Enrico Maxwell. And I am damn happy about it. When I first encountered Enrico, he was little more than a pompous, pretentious ass. Yeah, sure, he was a bad guy in the original anime, but he wasn't really evil. He also wasn't really there- he shows up in one episode, but really the bad guy is Alex. Now, stay with me here. I propose that Alex isn't actually a bad guy. He's not evil, he's following orders. He really doesn't have any say in the matter, and he never acts on his own. And, as you'll begin to see, he's sympathetic. Maxwell, on the other hand, is evil, evil, evil. He stopped caring about Mama Church a long time ago; no, he's in this for power. He even says something about being the Pope someday. (Side note: Cait, didn't you once say something similar?) Now, I want to see power corrupt absolutely, and I am given this in Bishop Maxwell in this episode. It starts out with us meeting Kid Maxwell and seeing his first meeting with Father Alex. Naturally, Kid Maxie got compared to Kidtegra; actually, this sort of correlates to the beginning of the second manga volume where she meets her monster for the first time. They kinda have some things in common. Both are orphans, both are destined for greatness, both are about twelve years old at the time, and both are commonly shipped with their childhood guardians. However, Tegs, when she met Alu, instinctively shot him like six times or something, setting the tone for their relationship there on out. She was genuinely scared of what he was, even if she sounded more angry than anything else. But Kid Maxie is a bitter little fucker.



His meeting with Fr. A. is a very interesting scene. It's juxtaposed with images of happy children running and playing. If you know anything about this guy's backstory, then you know how, ahem, well he gets along with the others.



We then cut to a body under a newspaper. Seems Maxwell was reading something at the time. The headlines show how bad it was...


And nope. He wasn't reading. He was asleep under that paper.


Yes, he's well aware of what's going on, and he just doesn't care. This is similar to a scene again from the second manga, where Tegs is reading the paper and thinking about what Alucard looks like in bondage gear. Don't worry, Tegs. I'm not judging. Not at all. However, while she's reading and daydreaming, she's also watching training happening. Maybe she's down there to hand-pick soldiers, or maybe she actually cares about what Alucard and Seras are doing. It's obvious that she cares about something happening in the training facilities, otherwise she'd be reading the paper in her office. Maxwell, however, would rather take a nap than pay attention to the Catholic Clux Clan. It's here that, if it wasn't entirely obvious in the last two OVAs, we begin to realize something. This isn't an attack on Protestantism. This isn't defense against the Nazis. This is something else entirely, something a hell of a lot more sinister. This... this is a crusade. And he is just fine with that. After all, he started it.


We see an overview of all the armies he has at his command, and the armor designs are interesting, to say the least. What are they trying to say about the Catholics here?


His armies then bow down to him, and it's kinda creepy.


And then... he laughs. It's not the self-satisfied little chuckle Alu elicits out of Integra sometimes, and it's not the maniacal laugh of Alu or Alex. It's something else. Something much, much scarier. And it visibly upsets the rest of his organization. This isn't the femmie little bishop they've come to know and love!


This thing is SCARY. The Catholic Clux Clan loads up into helicopters, the choppers take off, and there's a very disturbed altar boy...

AND THEN HE'S ON A BOAT. HE'S ON A BOAT. EVERYBODY LOOK AT ALU 'COS HE'S SAILING ON A BOAT.


And stating explicitly who he is returning for. Hint. It ain't Alex. This is the last we're supposed to see of him in this volume, but he shows up later in a Seras thought scene. Nifty. We then cut to the Nazis, where we see that the Crazy Nazi du jour is Zorin Blitz.


Let it be said that, as much as I dislike Zorin, I adore her Japanese voice actress. However, Zorin really bothers me because she flat-out uses magic. Rip has magic bullets, yes, but she doesn't do the same wonky shit that Zorin does... and boom, I'm distracted. Please note that bite-sized-Tegra is just as awesome as full-sized Tegra.



You can't tell me this isn't symbolic.


Oh, Integra. Only you could possibly demand that the person who just had a gun at the back of your head give you a light for your cigar. And it says a lot about Alex's character development that he is not only intending on sparing her, but that he's going to walk her home, too. And make his entire contingency walk her home. I think he's beginning to realize that maybe, just maybe, Hellsing isn't the real enemy after all. I can't wait for the English sub or dub to come out; I bet the chibi dialogue is hilarious. While the Catholics freak out, Tegs remains rather nonplussed throughout the whole thing. Sometime, I'm going to overanalyze her transformation throughout the series in the whole man-dog-monster format and explain how she's practically a monster herself. But that's for another day; for now, enjoy a cigar.


More Nazis after this; it appears that Zorin is to the luftwaffe what Rip was to the navy. However, while she plans on... attacking... the totally devoid of strategically-important British politicians Hellsing house... OH WHAT THE FUCK. SERAS. SERIOUSLY. THAT GUN IS THE SIZE OF A VOLKSWAGEN.


Ladies and gentlemen, we've found something in this series bigger than Seras's chest! It's her new gun!


Anyways, my point is why on earth is Millennium so deadset on destroying Teggy's house? I mean... it's empty except for Pip, the Wild Geese and Seras. No sir anythings. I mean, yeah, there's Seras, but wouldn't it have made more sense for Zorin to try and bait her out with that stupid illusion bullshit? Pip, by the way, isn't worried. He's very laid-back and practically enjoying himself. There's a scene that I'm sure is meant to be touching, where there's soft piano music and Pip speaking in reassuring tones to Seras as scenes of carnage flash around them. However, since I don't speak Japanese that well, I pretty much just looked at the pretty pictures and felt bad for Seras, who, by the way, is awesome. I really couldn't stand Seras in the first couple of OVAs, but she's really coming into her own. Sure, she hasn't had anything but a taste of the human blood yet. But... it's almost as if she doesn't need it. There is a beautiful fight scene where we see that Seras's aim has gotten a lot better since the first OVA. Remember how nuts she went when the ghouls invaded the house? That was puppies compared to this. This Seras has Pip worried. There's some crazy Nazis and some really cool scenes of Seras pwning the zeppelin... and then comes the attack of the Nazi Zombies.


Only Teg's yard is seeded with ALL the landmines. Seriously. ALL the landmines.


And we even get to see the bullets' perspective when they rip apart the Nazis. While Seras is a bit upset about Teggy's pretty lawn getting destroyed, Pip has this to say. "Bingo." Who says the French are useless pacifists?


Look at 'im. Just havin' a smoke and reassuring one of his men while there are explosions everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. At times, it looks as if Michael Bay directed this OVA. You can see the explosions everywhere because Tegs has cameras in every part of her house.

Yeah.

Every part of her house.
Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

And then Zorin uses her goddamn eye magic.


This was my least-favorite part of the manga, the whole giant thing, but despite how much I don't like it, it's beautifully done here. Naturally, everybody kinda flips the hell out because Zo is kind of attacking the mansion with a giant magical scythe. She kind of looks like me the time I took my old printer out to the back parking lot and beat it to death with hammers. Really, though, I think it would have been a better strategic move for Millennium to send Zorin to face Alu alone while giving the sharpshooter the mansion to cover. It would have lead to a quicker death for Zorin, more screen time for Rip Van, and none of that... unpleasantry. (Because, really, I think Alu has some standards.) The Wild Geese, even though they're dying, aren't cowards here. But... this is where it starts getting sad. Zorin, that utter bitch, starts picking on Ser-Bear. Fortunately, Seras isn't gonna put up with Zo's shit any longer. Because the Geese aren't dying. They're completely fine. Turns out that Zo's an accomplished illusionist, but, as Alu's kiddo, Seras can see right through that. She fires off a few shots with her GIANT GUN, and manages to hit Blitz, who's... well, on the other side of the property. (Tegs has SO MUCH LAND.) This ends the illusion, and the Geese snap out of it. Pip's still a little fucked up, but ....
OH MY GOD. SWEET HOLY FUCK SERAS.


Yes. She shot his head off right after this. Gone is the cowardly little police girl. This one's out for blood here. The Nazis get across the yard by making stepping stones out of their knives, and they attack the mansion. At first, the geese don't have too much trouble, but it soon becomes apparent that this is a losing battle. Enter Pip and his amazing motivational speech. God, I wish I spoke better Japanese.


And then one of the Geese slaps Seras's ass... but she takes it ok.

Sort of. After all, she's their Mignonette, which French for "the only woman in the house it's ok to sexually harass". But Pip still doesn't get his kiss. (God, I wish I didn't know what happens next.) The men don't seem too tense or nervous or anything. They're mercenaries. They were born to do this, Pip quite literally as his father and grandfather were both hired guns. Meanwhile, London burns.


I feel that OA Integra would appreciate this scene. Even though, y'know, there's dead and dying people everywhere.

...HEY.

WAIT.

ISN'T THIS THE MANGA VOLUME WHERE THE ONE NAZI SOLDIER WAS EATING A BABY?

Well, while I'm watching for that, we cut back to where the badayamn Nazis have overrun the place... and it... cuts into chibi... WAIT WHAT?
IT'S OVER?
IT'S FUCKING OVER?
WHAT IN HELL?
WHERE'S BLOOD!SERAS?
WHERE IS THE NAZI GHOUL EATING A BABY?
WHERE IS THE NAZI GHOUL EATING A BABY?
WHERE IS THE NAZI GHOUL EATING A BABY?
WHY IS IT OVER?
WHY IS IT OVER? SO NOT HAPPY.
However, the credits are awesome.
They do the Eskimo scene! And then there's this kinda cute thing with the Nazis where they have a soldier pinata... hard to describe, but it's funny. And includes the line "Heil, Gotcha!" We also get to see some nice artwork of various Geese... but then we find out it's a picture Zorin's looking at, with Seras circled and labeled as the main target. And then... then we see a bit of the aftermath, when Seras finds the dead Geese. She ain't happy. She really ain't happy. All in all, it was a bit short, clocking in at 42 minutes as compared to IV's 54 minutes. There's been rumors that from here on out, each manga volume is going to get its own OVA, and I'm pretty sure I'm ok with that. I think they'll combine nine and ten, though, mostly because so much of that is just fighting scenes. (I think Hirano dedicates at least one full page to one single explosion.) I can say, though, that I'm really looking forward to the next one. The one where Alu gets off the boat. Because that part has more happy insinuations in it than any other bit of the entire thing... except the very end. CANON, bitches! All in all, a good solid title. The music leaves a lot to be desired, but it's forgivable. Still can't compare to IV. But then again, what can?


MAYBE IT COULD HAVE COMPARED IF IT INCLUDED THE NAZI VAMPIRES EATING BABIES.

Oh, who am I kidding? It couldn't have.